I am having " Aha" moments, left and right these days. I don't always like them, but I am thankful that I get them and most of the time am willing to learn the lesson being taught. This year my eyes have really been opened to the amount of excuses I make. I'm not saying the excuses I make aren't valid, most of them are... well, okay, just some.
The thing is, they feel very valid to me, based on the way I think and the way I like things to be. Deep down, I'm kind of a loner. I like being with friends and family, but I also like to be alone. I like one on one time with people and I like events that I can go to and get lost in, which means not noticed, but be there, without really having to be present.
When I am with someone, or doing something, I like to give my full attention. If I think that will be a problem, I usually try to not do that thing or be with that person. I realize I am always looking to make things perfect, I try to set everything up, to work out as planned and so that it is controlled. I have grown a lot in this area, I have learned to go with the flow a little more than in my past, but this is a continual, situation by situation test for me.
Recently a good friend of mine was planning on coming down for a night and hanging with the family. We made plans months ago and it was pretty much a done deal. As the day started drawing near for her to come down, I started getting overwhelmed. Now, this is a friend I have known for almost ten years, we know each other, we laugh together, cry together, exercise together, she's watched my kids, and we don't feel the need to try and impress each other. We can just be ourselves. Well, I still had a hang up. My house was a mess, and my kids still wake up at night. I didn't have a plan for a good dinner, cause it was the end of the month and we were just eating what was in the house. I was overwhelmed with things, I thought needed to be done before she could come. I wanted to be able to be present, but it didn't seem possible.
I was certain that if she came, I would not be able to sit and talk with her, because there were so many other things to do, and she couldn't come for dinner, because we were probably just going to have peanut butter and jelly, and the house was messy and I needed to make up a place for her to sleep and what if the kids woke her up at night with their waking up. My plan was to call her and tell her that it wasn't going to work out for her to come, and that she should just come the next day in the morning.
I knew that canceling was lame, but it felt like the only option. I prayed and asked God to help me not sabotage our plans based on my excuses. I called my friend and told her that we have option " A" and option " B". I then began to tell her all my excuses as to why she couldn't come. She listened and we talked about it. As I heard myself talk, each excuse sounded so absurd, but I really needed to tell her my genuine concerns, so that I could hear myself say them and hopefully let them go.
She almost gave in to my excuses and said she didn't want to stress me out, but that she would just come the next day. She told me, she could help if she came and the she wasn't needy or expecting anything grandiose. I knew everything she said was true.I told her that I wanted her to come. I told her I needed her to breakthrough my excuses with me and tell me that it would be okay. I know it was kind of difficult for her, because this isn't the first time I have done this to her.
We talked some more and ended up laughing a little. She said she would come around 6:30 so that I wouldn't feel stress about making a dinner for her. We then got off the phone. I looked around in the cupboard and discovered that I could make spaghetti, I called her back and told her to come for dinner and since she offered earlier to bring something, I took her up on that and she brought a salad.
During the day I handled my business, all the things, that I thought I just had to do, and you know what? It wasn't as crazy as my brain hyped it all up to be. My friend came, we ate, we made some healthy treats, we laughed, we talked, and it was great.
Here are a few things I realized about excuses.
1. They usually only take the person giving the excuse into consideration. Although I thought I was doing her a favor by not having her come to my messy, low budget dinner house. I wasn't thinking about how she had set this time aside in her schedule, or how maybe she needed some time with me and my family. I originally only thought of myself.
2. The excuses are just that, excuses. Even when they are valid, if we sit down and ask ourselves what they are really about, it's usually, at least for me, about control, or just and excuse to not have to do something I need to do. If you really don't want to or can't do something, just say " no", I think we justify ourselves a little too much anyway, but when you say yes, do your best to keep it a yes.
3. Excuses, may excuse us from what we don't want to, or feel we can do, but they also excuse of from growth in those areas, when we just keep on making them.
This was just one example of my "Excuse Aha Moment" I encourage you to have one of your own. Growth is difficult, because it stretches us, but it was great to see, that my excuses didn't really hold too much weight and I would have regretted missing that precious time with my dear friend. If you have a friend that makes excuses all the time, be a tough-love kinda friend for a minute and don't let them get away with it, they will thank you in the end and one day you may need the favor returned.
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