Amazing God!

I have seen God in action. I see him in action. He is always working, moving, mending, healing, reviving, supplying, listening. My goodness God is so very faithful! Our house was broken into a few weeks ago, and while it was devastating at the moment, God worked it all out for good. I am actually thankful for the experience, it brought our family closer, it re-tuned our ears to God and it erupted in me a new spirit of thankfulness.

I have seen God heal my broken heart, and mend my torn soul, I have felt his comfort and experienced his amazing presence. I have seen him work things out, that looked really rough. I have heard his voice and experienced his discipline. He has opened my eyes to see my own brokeness and neediness only to show me that it was okay to be broken, in fact that was where he wanted  me, dependent on him, less of me and more of him.
God knows me, he sees me, he hears me, he knows my imperfections and hang ups, he knows my strengths and sorrows. I just want to give God praise and honor. I want to shout from the mountaintops how amazing he is! I want others to experience this gentle, mighty God that is alive in this world.
Thank you Lord for loving me, caring for me, making yourself known to me. I couldn't find you on my own, so you found me. I couldn't even believe in you on my own, so you gave me faith. I can't even live for you alone, so you give me your Holy Spirit to guide me and to strengthen me, I can't even praise you without your grace, so you fill my lungs with air and fill my mouth with song.
 You God are something else. You are Holy! Thank you for finding me and claiming me and loving me and providing for me and protecting me and being with me even when things don't always work out the way I want them too, you are always present and that's what your promise is all about.... in so many ways. You promise to never leave us or forsake us. Thank you Jesus!

The thief... and my smile

I don't know who
I can't say why
but I know
I wanted to cry
to come on home
with kids in tow
and see a big broken window
the glass was shattered
and my heart was hurt
they left footprints of mud and dirt
the computer was gone
and so was the Mp3
but thank God no harm came to my family
this is life
the good and the bad
however, I have peace
and for that I'm glad
so until a new computer I get
I will have to temporarily quit blogging
but just for a while
the thief took many things
but he didn't get my smile

until later,

Charissa

"Stop" in the name of love...

I've had bloggers block the last few weeks. Not so much because, I haven't had anything to blog, but because, there has been too much to blog. I really wanted to share some things, but it felt too heavy, I wanted to be super honest, here, in this blog, but it was too much to even type. So, I am going to share a little of my heart, in a nutshell on some changes in my life, good and hard, but necessary for sure.

My mother-in-law and her husband came to visit last week. I had been a mental, physical mess before they came and my status didn't change while they were visiting. I really wanted to be able to sit down, focus, visit, laugh and enjoy my company, but I couldn't seem to do it. I was in my last week of school, working hard to pass that math class that kicked my butt and challenged me like nothing else this last quarter. I was overwhelmed to say the least, my migraine headaches had come back, I was exhausted, me and my husband had become roomates again, not really having any time for each other, although we wanted too, our schedules didn't allow for it. It was like tag team for us, he would get home, I would pass him the family so I could do all the things that I "had" to do.

I was running wild. I wanted to stop, but I was afraid. I was fearful of letting things go. I was fearful of becoming less than what I thought other people thought I should be. I was motivated by fear, approval of others and plain and simply trying to escape the "just being a mom and a wife" dilemna, that I had struggled with for so  many years.

I was drowning inside, in the pool that I continued to fill and fill. I thought the stress, headaches, sleepless nights, irratibility were okay, becuase I was bettering myself, it was for a good cause. I needed this education, I needed to be doing something for myself, I needed to feel independent and pursue something that I wanted. My family was suffering, but it was only for a few years, and wouldn't they be happy that I got what I wanted out of the deal?

My mother-in-laws husband, is a quiet man. He doesn't say a whole lot, and when he does, he is pretty soft spoken. The night before they were to leave, I had a meeting and I also had my last final the following day. I came home from the meeting and immediately went zooming through the house, afraid to sit down, afraid to let go, afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. I was so, "in the zone" that I didn't realize that Tim, my mother-in-laws husband had been standing trying to get my attention. Finally he said in a loud, authouratative voice, "Charissa, just 'STOP' for a minute will ya!" I stopped for sure, I was very surprised that he was so straight up with me and loud. I stopped and looked at him. He and my MIL were standing there wanting to give us a gift, but first they had to get my attention, so that I could receive it.

I sat down for a few minutes after that, and a little while later they were gone. For the next few days, Tim's request for me to "just Stop" played through my head over and over. It got the ball rolling through my life and I was able to "stop" and examine my life. As I gave myself permission to stop and slow down. I began to become aware of my physical and mental stress. I became more aware of the lack of "family" in my family. I became aware of my fears, true wants and needs. I became aware that I was drowning, and I was also holding the hose that continued to fill the tank.

I knew, that I needed to reevaluate my life, my time, my priorities. I needed to excavate my fears and find out what was hiding in them, find their true motive. I needed to sit with God,and ask " Is this what you intended for me?" I needed to seek wisdom from friends that have also spent time drowning themselves in the chaos and so called " have too's of life" And so I did. I evaluated, I reflected and heard some of the things my husband, friends, mother-in-law had said in the begining  to me about time and what they see with me. You see I used to want to be a lawyer, I do have the gift of persuasion, if I need to turn it on. I think I often use it on myself to deny what I know I need or to smooth over the truth so I can do what I want to do in the moment.

I have learned so much about myself, in a good, growing, do I really want to know this, type of lessons over this past year. Attending school, the early morning bus rides the late night studying, the lack of sleep, becoming  just roomates with my husband, loosing connections with important relationships, feeling like I've lost myself to I don't know who. It has been a sacrifice for me and my family. I have been stirring too many pots and nothing tastes good in the end. I am thankful for the experience. I am thankful that I it only took one year for me to get a small grip, I know, God will have to continue to teach me and train me and refocus me, but I'm okay with that, because I know he isn't surprised by me, he knows me, he knows I will lose sight again, but this time, I will also be looking for the signs of this loss of vision, I don't want to have to wait so long to recover my sight next time.

I asked my kids," Do you want mommy to continue or to take a break from school?" Kamari, my eight year old looked at me, cocked her head and said in her compassionate voice, " Well, I want you to be able to finish, because, I know  you want to, but I really wish you were here to do my hair in the morning, I feel like I go to school looking all messy." She was right, I was sending her to school looking a little mess. Kamari, has beautiful, big, thick, curly hair, and she has tried really hard to learn how to do it, and she has done well for the most part, but I would do a style and then I would look at her a week or so later and tell her that I was going to do her hair, but then I would need to study or do this or that. Since I left so early in the morning it was left to her and my husband to figure out her hair.

I also asked my son Jamison, who is five. He said, " Stop! Stop! I want you to Stop! I said why? he responded, "because I want to snuggle with you all the time, I want you to be home" I was "home" most of the time, but I wasn't "present". I didn't have time for sitting and snuggling, I would do that later. At least that was my mentality at the time.

I for the time being, maybe forever am choosing to discontinue my schooling. I know at this time in my life, that I could,(but it would mean too many sacrifices), do both. I can do a lot of things. I am good at multitasking. However, I shouldn't at this time. My family is too precious to me. I want to be present and pour myself into my family. I married the love of my life. I want to love him, enjoy his company, laugh with him etc. I want to have time in the morning to see my kids off to school to do Kamari's hair and make sure she leaves with a smile on her face. I want to snuggle with Jamison and Jeremiah and be able to be consistent and present with my two wild little boys. And, for me I need sanity. I want to write poetry and short stories again. I have maybe written two things in the last year. I know this is the balance I need. I know God has given me this gift and I want to cherish it. I want to smile and laugh. Everyone keeps telling me that this time, when my kids are young goes by so fast. I guess I'm tired of watching from the sidelines, I'm ready to play the game, get in there and make some memories, get some team spirit going.

When Tim was trying to get my attention, and eventually told me stop. It made me think, about how many times, God has tried to get my attention and told me to "stop". The funny thing is, Tim just wanted to give me a gift. I called him the other day and told him, that the greatest gift he gave me, was his telling me to"stop" I told him it started a chain reaction in my life and I shared with him, all that had transpired since then.

I know God calls me to stop sometimes because he wants to give me a gift, and sometimes that gift isn't the obvious one, it's the one, that we have to have our eyes opened to see. I thank God for opening my eyes. I have so much peace in my heart. I am even breathing better. It's difficult for me to let go of school and certain things, but at the same time, God has my heart, he sees my future and I am trusting him to guide me in the path he has laid for me, as I honor him, with what he has already given to me.

The Great Sweep

I was sweeping the floor this afternoon, and although it didn't look too bad, I was surprised by how much dust, little pieces of whatever, food crumbs, toys and other miscelaneous items filled the dustpan. If someone just walked into my house, they would have been surprised that my floor was so dirty, even though it wasn't so obvious.

I love sweeping, because I love the before and after effect. Even when the floor doesn't look "really dirty" you know it is, and after you sweep, you see the difference and feel the difference when you walk on your hardwood floors and a bunch of crumbs don't adhere to your socks or bare feet. It's a good feeling. I will admit sometimes though, that sweeping is a bit overwhelming at times. At times it seems like I could sweep forever and never get every piece of dust or crumbs off the floor. I've had those times, when I swept the floors and then mopped, only to realize that I missed a pile or forgot to sweep one corner, then to clean that area only to find more stuff falling off the broom onto the newly swept and mopped floor.

I used to mop my floor a couple of times a week, trying to keep it clean, clean, clean. I usually sweep everyday, because if I don't it really builds up, with five people eating, walking and carrying things in from the outdoors on a daily basis, the dirt builds up.

So, as I was sweeping today, my heart made a little connection to, "The Great Sweep" that has happened in my life, and the mini-sweeps that happen on a daily basis. My life is the dirt, crumbs, toys, dust, little pieces of whatever strewn about. I try to keep myself together, dust the cobwebs of my life, pick up things that spill, throw away my trash, but even sometimes after I sweep really well, or mop with a good cleaner, there is still that pile that I miss or that dust bunny that just drops from the broom onto the newly cleaned floor.

And at times trying to keep my life, my heart, my mind all swept up and in perfect order is nearly impossible. It seems that my kids can go for days, even weeks without spilling something on the floor, that is until I decided to mop the floor, then for some reason, they will spill that day and the next, and I feel frustrated because, I just cleaned the floor, and now it's all sticky and messy, and I have to clean it again, and I don't want to...

For me, that is life in a lot of ways, we clean up really well, or so we think and then, we mess up our lives, or someone messes with our lives and we feel overwhelmed, or frustrated with ourselves and others, and we feel like we are a huge mess. I have by the grace of God accepted the fact that I  needed, "The Great Sweep" in my life. For me, " The Great Sweep" was Jesus and his death on the cross. When he died he took all my dirt with him, all my mess and swept it up, then threw it away. When He showed me the pile of  my life and asked me if it was mine, I agreed it was mine, but that I didn't need nor want it. He told me he could sweep it up and do away with it, something I could never do on my own. When he rose from the dead, not only was He alive,but I was made alive too.

His death and resurection changed the way I needed to clean my house (my life). Now that I have experienced, " The Great Sweep" in my life, I don't try to get every corner immaculate, every dust bunny cleared, every piece of dust swept up. I know that I can't, I will never be able to see it all. I know my eyes don't see me as God can. I can look at my life, and think, " oh, it's not that bad, I don't see too much dirt" However, I know God has seen all my dirt, and he has done away with it all.

Even though God has cleansed my life, I still collect dust, junk, crumbs, I still need a good sweep, but I don't do it myself. When I look around my life and see that it's all piling up again, or when I look around and think everything is just fine, and I don't have any dirt, it's a good time for me to ask God to inspect my house, my life and sweep up whatever he finds, that isn't pleasing to him, to lift up the rugs and show me what's underneath, to point out the piles, I have missed and to do away with it. This is my confession to God that my life apart from him, will always be a mess. It's also my confession of faith, that I believe He can handle my mess, and would like him to do so.

The Great Sweep is my salvation, it gives me the freedom to live my life with a desire to please God, to make mistakes, knowing the one who sees it all will not reject me, knowing, I can confess my mistakes, my neediness, my brokenness to God and he will act accordingly. He has given me the freedom to live a life of purpose and grace, knowing, I am free, forgiven, loved and that I belong.

Keeping my heart focused, when my world is a bit much...

I feel like I have been going and going, like the Energizer bunny the last few months. I have been overwhelmed and feeling a bit down. I am reminding myself again today, that even when my life feels like too much, maybe it is, and maybe that's okay. I am letting God in on my little secret, I'm going to share with him, that I'm overwhelmed, and in need of some TLC. I choose to keep my heart focused, even when all around me seems to be just a little bit shaky.

Your love

When life comes rolling at you, like a mighty tidal wave
and everyone around you, seems to have un-shake-able faith

You want to run and hide, but shelter can't be found
You finally surrender, on the cold, hard ground

And it's amazing, the grace that washes me
It's amazing, the beauty that I see
It's amazing, more than I can dream

It's amazing, your faithful love for me.

Charissa Carroll 2010