I have learned a lot about myself in the last two months. More than I had really hoped to learn, and harder than I had hoped it would be taught. I have always known that I don't like to ask for help, I have tried to avoid needing help most of my life. That isn't to say I haven't received help or that I haven't needed it, I just have tried my best to not ask hoping the need would just goes away all on it's own, or somehow get resolved without help.
I have a lot of deficits. I'm seeing them more and more these days. A few months back, I decided that I was going to say, " yes Lord," to God every morning. I wanted to say "yes," to God's will for my life on a daily basis and "yes," to being obedient and "yes," to all the fun things of living. I hadn't planed on my "yes Lord," being taken so seriously by God. He took it seriously and I didn't really recognize his hand in all of what I call, " my madness," until my friend who has been tutoring me in math, said to me, that she really thinks that God is doing something in all of my struggles with math.
Surprisingly and really not surprisingly at all, God was and is at work in all of my math mess. I have had to honestly look at myself and my efforts, and determine if I really was doing all that I could to succeed. The answer, the honest answer was a big fat NO! I was stuck and didn't know how to figure the problems out. I was hoping that without studying or asking for help that I would just wake up one morning and it would all be clear to me. I woke up morning after morning and well, it didn't become clear. What did become clear to me, was that I was struggling and the need was beyond me.
My husband kept encouraging me to ask for help. I told him that I would, but then I wouldn't call the people I knew would help me. I didn't want to burden them with my problems, they were busy themselves, what if they couldn't help me? I didn't want to waste their time. What would I give them in return? What if I needed too much? These were all of my excuses.
I usually give up when things get too tough, but I also don't usually start things that I can't do on my own. I was confident when I signed up for my current math class, I had gotten A's in the last two math classes, I figured I would be able to do this new class just as easily.
I didn't know what to do with myself when it got hard. I wasn't prepared for it to be difficult. I want things to be easy. I like being in control. I like people needing me, more than me needing them. I felt like I was in crisis. I felt overwhelmed. I felt too needy, and I didn't like the feeling at all, but the truth was... I was needy and I am needy. I have been trying to fool myself all these years into believing that I am not needy. I can do things all by myself. I think subconsciously I believed that if I couldn't do it alone, for myself , then maybe it wasn't worth doing.
God has opened my eyes these last few months. He has shown me that I can't do everything by myself, I was never meant to. He has shown me that he can handle my neediness. I don't know if I am going to pass this class in the end. I do know however, that I can truly say from this point on that I am going to really do everything that I can to try and pass. I have been asking for help and it's been very rewarding. The connections are being made in my brain, and I'm understanding things in math, that never made sense before. I feel smart for the first time in a long time, even though I have failed three math tests. I feel changed and excited about trying new things, but most of all I feel liberated from the pressure I had been putting on myself. The pressure to be capable all by myself. I'm not. I'm not supposed to be.
I shouldn't, but I do still get surprised how involved God is in our daily lives. He cares about the little things, just as much as the Big things. He's known this whole time that I was going to need to learn to ask for help, learn to trust a little more, and believe that He could handle my neediness. I am more aware than ever before, that we need God, we need each other and that this journey through life is not meant to be traveled alone. I see in a clearer way that I can trust God even more and that he won't fail me. I don't have to give up when things get beyond me, I have to give up the lie that tells me, that I have to handle it all myself.
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