Gonna have to push

Got quittin' in my bones
Angst in my soul
Know I got to push myself to places I ain't been known to go
Feeling the weightiness of struggle
the darkness of doubt
My mind is shut, my heart is hurt, I want a way out
Will I push this time?
Or will I quit?
I'm known to say " the hell with it"
It's a mental quit, justifiably excusable
slightly real and partly truesical
Am I gonna push?
I don't wanna!
I want to go- sit in a sauna
and let the heat warm my soul
cause I'm feeling cold and out of control
I need to fight this lie- that's clinging
It's sounding true- in my ear ringing
I know it's false, but it's a way out
I won't have to push, just listen to the doubt
What if I don't give up?
I don't feel I'm able
the cards are stacked
against me on the table
My hubby says to" push"
don't suffocate this life
fight Charissa! Fight, don't give in to the lie!
but honestly I want to, cause it's easier that way
no push, no effort, no new day
It's funny this feeling- when you feel so small
and the world seems so grand
and you struggle to walk, struggle to stand.

     I quit when things get difficult. Not all things, but a  lot. I make great excuses and they sound very reasonable and most of the time I can get people to agree and then I feel like I did the right thing. I know the truth though. I'm lying to myself ,but when I do it feels safer than pushing through and asking myself the real reason behind my giving up. I feel too old sometimes to be going back to school. I feel like I am just starting my life, when I should have ( there go those should have's again) done this stuff a long time ago. I know I don't have to go there, but this is one of the lies that taunts me when I'm feeling weak and vulnerable and honestly stupid. In the last few years, I have for the first time really felt smart. Completing my certificate in Nutrition really helped me. I did very well in the course and scored high on my tests. I remember feeling smart and it was a new feeling, a good feeling. I have been back in school now again for a while and that feeling was still strong and it motivated me to press on and work towards my BA in Social Work.
    I am currently in an Elementary Algebra class. I never did well in Algebra in High school. I either failed the class or barely passed with a D. I tried too, really hard, but I just never got it. Here I am age 34 back in High school algebra at the community college. I am doing horribly. I feel very stupid. Smart girl has been replaced. I took a test last week and got the score today (54%). I didn't pass. I feel like I did in high school and it feels miserable. The rest of the classes I need to take to finish this transfer degree are all math and science courses. I realize I'm gonna have to push to succeed, but I usually don't push. I make a great excuse and quit. I want to quit. I don't want to quit.Quitting takes away the feeling of stupidity, but it also takes away the joy of accomplishing. If I push, I will need to ask for help. I really don't like asking for help. I don't want to need help. And I typically don't ask for something that I can't reciprocate on. What will I give to someone who helps me? What will they want from me? My husband says they will want me to succeed and not everyone expects something for something. Some people just like to give. I will admit I'm struggling. I'm sharing all of this today as a way for me to be accountable. I want to quit, but I know if I don't push this time, it will just get easier and easier to not push the next time and the time after that. I do stand in this world small,and regarding algebra I am weak.Pushing this time is going to be a group effort and as hard as it is I'm thankful that I can ask for help and know many are willing. This is my year of new things, and new things usually come at a price.