Flies, flies, flies

A bold fly came into my house today. I followed it around the house as soon as my two year old noticed it came in. I do not allow flies to roam freely in my house. In fact I will stop everything I am doing to hunt it down and kill it. That may sound cruel to some, but I do have a rule regarding bugs. I figure they have the great outdoors to fly, chill, sleep, they can hang around trees, or lakes or the mountains, it's their choice. I have my home and they are not allowed in, once they come in and violate our agreement, I open doors and windows and give them a chance to leave, but if they are unwilling, I take them out.

I think to much about what they are doing. Flies are so dirty. We all know what their favorite thing is and that's too much for me. I don't want them flying around my house, laying eggs, making themselves at home. I couldn't kill the fly that came in today,  I could only trap it. I will let my husband figure out how to kill the fly that's trapped between the window and the screen. I've at least quarantined it, and for the time being it was enough.

I sometimes make interesting connections to things and here  is one of them. I was thinking about that fly and what I know about it, how it makes me feel and it's motivations. I knew it would not be okay for me to let it roam freely in my house. I knew it would keep me anxious and unhappy. I don't always know when a fly comes in, but once I spot it, I go to work following it.

I know it's just a fly, but it made me think about the other seemingly harmless little things, I have allowed to float, fly, crawl, swim into my life. Things that I know aren't good for me, or helpful, things that I know in the long run won't benefit me, but I let them in anyway.

I am thinking specifically about this weight loss journey I am on. I'm thinking about the seemingly harmless food that has made it's way into my body, which turned into pounds, which turned into guilt, which turned into hiding, which turned into despair, which turned into more eating and self-pity. It reminds me of  the old story, " There was and old lady who swallowed a fly." Do you remember how it goes? "I know an old lady who swallowed a fly, I don't know why she swallowed the fly..." It goes on to justify her swallowing a fly to catch the spider and then she swallows a bird to catch the spider and a cat to catch the bird and it goes on until she swallows a horse. Let's think about that, the fly was one thing, but a horse is a whole different thing.

My song would go something like this:

I know a young lady who swallowed a lie
I don't know why she swallowed the lie
Perhaps she'll die

I know a young lady who swallowed some chocoalte
that made her feel happy and numb inside
she swallowed the chocolate to hide the lie
I don't know why she swallowed the lie
perhaps she'll die

I know a young lady who swallowed some chips
they go good with dip,
she swallowed the chips to balance the chocolate
that  hid the lie
perhaps she'll die....

I will just do two verses, I know where my weight comes from. It's not that I love food either. I honestly don't like food, it's just a means to an end. Food has been my choice of drug. It's been a comfort, and escape, something I could control. The access was great, food was everywhere, and it could be eaten in secret. I have lost about 20lbs since January, it's been slow, but it's been real. I have not only lost physical weight, but emotional weight as well. Each pound I lost had a story, one of sabotage, pain, even joy, food was always the answer to whatever I thought I needed. I knew it wasn't what it appeared to be, but it was consistent nonetheless and there whenever I needed it.

I don't swallow boxes of chocolates anymore and I don't chase them down with chips, but mostly I don't swallow the lies anymore. I know the truth of who I am. I know the truth of who I am becoming, and I see the vision of who I will be. She, me ,the one with freedom, doesn't swallow flies for anyone, she catches them as soon as they come in. She isolates them and is aware of the damage to her well being they can cause. This changing me, she is proactive and ready to combat the things that try to sneak their way into her life. She refuses to even consider  being like the woman who in the end swallowed a horse, all because she opened her mouth for the pesky little fly.

This changing me is not alone though. I am surrounded by a group of women, who also once opened their mouths wide for the flies, and lies of this world. Some of us eventually swallowed  our hopes and dreams with our horses. We have a united front now. We refuse to feed our pain, we now nourish our souls. We encourage each other, listen and build one another up. We refuse to swallow flies. Thank you ladies for walking with me, and being my fly paper.