When you don't know "how "to trust...

     A few weeks ago some friends and I were talking about trust. A few days ago my sister and I were talking about trust. I know for me trust has been a big issue most of my life. It's a natural God-given desire to want to feel safe. It's hard to be vulnerable,because it exposes us to pain. However, it also exposes us to joy. I have had to ask God to help me trust, to help me share my heart. God has had to have a demolition crew come and remove the barricades on my heart. I don't like being hurt. I don't like feeling emotionally abused. I don't like putting myself out there and feeling stupid. I want to be safe... always.
    It is not possible to go through this life without experiencing some type of pain. I tried for a lot of years to avoid pain. I did this by not really letting anyone get too close to me. It worked for quite a while. People would just think I didn't like them, and they would leave me alone. I didn't want people to feel I didn't like them, but I also knew it was an effective deterrent, and so I used it. Over the years a few people would slip through. They would see that I  "looked," disinterested in friendship, but they also had the intuition to know, it was just an act. They would keep coming back, engaging me in conversation, smiling at me, even when the smile wasn't always returned. They were consistent in showing me love, even when I looked like I didn't want it, or need it. These are my " soldier friends," the ones who ignored my armor and saw my  heart. It was bruised and broken, hard and dark at times, but their consistent love broke through. I have to joke sometimes with the friends I have given the hardest times too. I also have asked them to forgive me for hurting them with my armor.
      I brought this armor into my marriage, just as I brought it into many friendships. Over time, I have seen myself give up certain pieces, and replace them with peepholes into my heart. My husband and I celebrated ten years of marriage in August. As our ten- year anniversary was nearing, I found myself evaluating our marriage and myself as a wife. In doing so, I realized that most of my armor was gone and that I trusted my husband more than I had ever trusted anyone. It was great to realize some healing had happened. I didn't even really know it was happening as it happened, but just as I like to know how any and every bug enters my house, I also wanted to know what changed in my world of trust.
     I hadn't really tried to figure it out again after the first realization, it wasn't until my girlfriend asked me how I came to trust my husband, that the wonder of it all flooded my mind again.. As I was thinking about her question, I got a visual in my mind that helped me explain what my trust looked like.
     This is how I visual trust:

 1. I give my heart to God. He is literally holding me/my heart in his hands.
 2. I lend my heart to my husband, friends, family through the hands of God. Even when my husband has my heart, God wraps his hands around my  husbands hands as he holds my heart.

So Ultimately God has my heart. It belongs to him. I share it with the ones I love, but God still owns it. I go into this love/trust relationship with my eyes wide open.I also know that God is a fierce protector and that as I get his direction and listen to his leading, he knows when to caution me and give me the green light on giving my heart to just anyone. The other great thing is when someone messes with your heart, they will have to answer to God for that, and you can let God have that issue, so that your heart doesn't get hard and overwhelmed with the pain of  it all.
However, we live in a hurt world and hurt people (all of us) hurt people) so, I need to keep in mind  that;
1. I will get hurt, even if it's unintentional that's just the nature of relationships
2. I will hurt the ones I love, even when it's unintentional

I know it's important for me to go into relationships knowing that  my feelings might get hurt at times and I will at times hurt others. I need to be aware that no one is perfect and so there will, at times be pain and mending that need to take place.

How can I be okay with pain, brokenness, disappointment etc...? I can be okay with all of this, because God has my heart. When I held me own heart, even with the armor on, I still got hurt, experienced pain and needed mending. The problem was I didn't have the skills or tools to mend my own heart, heal my own brokenness or  protect my heart without also keeping love out.
    When my heart needs mending-God is healer
    When my heart needs safety- God is my comforter
    When my heart is getting hard- God massages it and brings back the life
    When my heart needs protection- God wraps his hands tighter around it

I can trust/love in a way now, that I have never known before. It's so liberating and amazing to me. I thank God that he was able to allow me to clearly see what trust can look like, when he's got my heart.