What's up with self- sabotage?

Sabotage: A deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction.

     Nothing is wrong. I'm happy. This week has gone well. I've been a little worried about midterms, but other than that, things are pretty good. The weather has been nice. I have exercised pretty consistently this week so far. Kids are feeling better.... but I'm eating like there is going to be a famine. I am ending the first phase of my weight-loss/ lifestyle change plan. For the past 5 weeks I have done pretty well. I have had those occasional times where I sampled something, that was off limits for me, or over-indulged at a restaurant, but for the most part, I have been feeling really good and making good choices. However, as I  am in the last week of the first stretch, something is happening. I liken it to starting a race and making it to the home stretch, seeing the flag for the finish line and then stopping, bending down, untying my shoe laces, then retying the laces from both shoes together, and then trying to run again, only to find that I can barely run, because I have just shortened my stride and removed my ability to run freely. That is what sabotage looks like to me. That is the only thing, if I'm honest with myself that I really think is happening with me right now.
      Most of my life, I have been trying to lose weight. I have not always been overweight in real life, but my mind, now that's a different story. In my own eyes, I have always seen myself as gigantically fat! I have never really seen myself as pretty either. I can look at myself now and like some things about me, but that wasn't always the case. Even starting this blog was a scary venture for me. It is very refreshing, but at times, I feel like I have put so much of "me" out there and it's a little scary. I'm still scared to be successful at weight loss. There I said it, that's my confession. My body is my best hiding place. It feels good to know you always have a place to go, a good excuse, a part of this grand world that you can control. It's scary to think of giving up my security, even though it's unhealthy.
     I want to give it up. I don't know why the feeling of doing well and staying the course and seeing results is so scary. I feel like in the last two days I have tried to gain back the weight I've lost in the last five weeks. It's crazy to me, but at the same time I understand it. I feel like I am trying to refill the space that is empty now, the space that the few pounds I lost use to inhabit. They talk about  muscle memory, I'm talking about fat memory.
     I don't have just extra fat on my body, it's not that simple. I have emotional fat. I have stories to my rolls, they don't just exist because. They have history with me. We were intentional about our growth together, me and my rolls. This sounds crazy as I write it, but it's just how I look at things. That's the great thing about this blog, it's my thoughts, some stuff I usually wouldn't share because it sounds so off. However, I know someone reading this feels me on this, they know their rolls have stories too. Their eating was for a purpose. The pounds at the time were not in vain, but necessary for.... you fill in your own blank.
     The struggle I'm having with all of this is...I'm ready to be done sabotaging my efforts, it hurts my heart that this battle is still so real. I want to finish this race and quit tying my laces together. This is me trying to keep it real. I'm struggling, but I'm calling the problem out, making it plead it's case. The jury is in. Sabotage is guilty of  deliberately trying to take me off course. The good thing is, he's been caught "trying," and now I know to watch my back...
   I get back on the path, separate my shoe laces, retie them and begin a slow jog to the finish line, but not before I grab the hands of some of my fellow runners, and together we make our way forward, careful to watch out for each others laces. For those of you struggling.... stay focused and watch my back, will ya.