Understanding my "why?"

     In my effort to bring about some healthy changes in my life, I have been trying to become more in tune with the " why" of what I am doing as well as trying to better understand the "why" of my emotional responses to things. I guess I can classify myself as one of those people who have high expectations of myself and others. I want life to be easy and things to always work out. I think at times we all want that. I do know however, that  those are not realistic expectations. It took me quite a long time to come to this realization. And before I saw the light, I would say I was pretty unhappy, because I was disappointed most of the time. I see the light now, of course not fully because this life is about new discovery everyday. I wish I could say I never get disappointed anymore and I never judge and I'm perpetually happy, but that wouldn't be true, and I promised to keep this blog honest, so I will stick to the truth, even if  I tell on myself a little.
      I want to be loved. I am loved. However, sometimes I don't feel it from the people I think I need it from the most. I don't love like I ought to, at times I hold back. So, this questioning of  myself has been quite rewarding, emotional and I think the start of a much needed internal renovation.
      I had a conversation the other day with someone and I kept thinking about what we talked about. The "subject" wasn't the issue, it was " how" I was talking. I was talking in a way to try and prove something about myself. The person I was talking to wasn't even aware of this, but reflecting on my own tone and words, I realized I had an insecurity in that relationship and I was reacting to it, unbeknownst to me at the time and unbeknownst to the person I was talking to.
      I asked myself "why", and then began to piece together the reason, then I was able to go to God and ask for some help and healing in that area of my life. The same rule applies to emotional eating for me. I thank God, it is far, far less than it used to be and I am begining to see it as a thing of my past, but when it rears it's greedy head, I need to be prepared to ask it "why are you here?" I need to be honest with myself and admit that I am not about to eat a snickers bar because as the commercial says, "it satisfies,"  I'm about to eat a snickers because I want to stuff the situation that just happened, the feeling of anger that's rising up in me, or the hopelessness I feel and the voice of doubt that tells me I will never change. Those are the truths I have to face if I am going to have that internal renovation I so desire. The amazing thing is the willingness to be honest with myself brings about the most amazing internal healing, one "why" at a time.

Below is a poem I wrote back in 2006, but it feels appropriate for me today. I need to constantly remind myself, that I can't live, breathe or even have to strength to ask myself hard questions without God. His love sustains me and gives me the freedom to examine myself with no fear, because all  the"dirt" that I discover inside, is what God will use to create some beautiful piece of art in my soul. I know He already knows, what I am only  beginning to discovering.

 You Are

Jesus, I know you walk, talk, sing and breathe today
I know you are gentle and fierce
Loud and calm
I know you know what you know
I know you know who you know
I know you will always be
I know you love me
Speak to me
Carry me
Give me life and speech
I know your hands formed this mud
I am yours
Lord of Glory, how I love thee
Lord of Mercy, how I need thee
Lord of Passion, how I seek thee
Lord of Justice, how I see thee
Lord of Glory
Lord of Hope
Lord of Trials
Lord of All

Charissa Carroll