Fear Not

     I think I'm pretty brave, but only when it comes to some things. I have fears just like everyone else. The older I get the better I understand myself and my fears. At this point in my life, I am afraid to fail. I know that at times it has kept me from even trying. The chance of failing sometimes outweighs the chances of succeeding. I have really struggled with my Algebra class this quarter. It's difficult for me, and I don't like that at all. I like to work hard, but I also like to know my work is going to pay off.  I took my Algebra midterm and got a 64%, that's not a good grade. I got a 54% on my last test, that wasn't good either.
     I really need to pass this class, this class is a prerequisite for the classes I really need. I'm afraid I'm going to fail, I almost want to at this point, because trying and maybe still not doing well is scarier to me. I failed and barely passed all my math classes after 9th grade. I admit, I was too social in high school and didn't really have a good understanding of the importance of education. I never asked for help with math outside of the classroom, I just assumed, I couldn't do it.
      Here I am again, 19 years later struggling with Algebra. Here I am again not wanting to ask for help. Afraid to fail. Afraid to obligate anyone to help me, I know people are busy and I know I'm going to need someone with a lot of  patience. I shared this struggle with my weight loss group on Tuesday. After the meeting a friend of mine approached me and offered to tutor me. She reminded me that I had no excuse because she offered and I am not obligating her. I really needed someone to pull me out this time. My husband kept telling me to call and get some tutoring, but I didn't want to put myself out there. I was willing to choose the alternative and just let it be. I'm so thankful my friend stepped up, God knew I was struggling to ask. I have a little hope now. She's a patient person and very nice. I think it's a great start to learning something so overwhelming. In the end whether I have to retake this class or not, I will not let it define me or  limit me( somebody remind me that I wrote this when it gets tough again..(LOL). I need help plain and simple and the fear has got to go, cause is sho' ain't the truth!

Fear ( This is a poem I wrote back in 2006, fear has been my companion way too long)


You cause us to believe you are bigger than Courage
You are able to cause us to be easily discouraged
You seem bigger than life
and hard as steel
You act as if you know God's will
but you don't
you are small
you exist only if I let you
your name is Fear
In Jesus name... I forget you!


2006 Charissa Carroll