"Stop" in the name of love...

I've had bloggers block the last few weeks. Not so much because, I haven't had anything to blog, but because, there has been too much to blog. I really wanted to share some things, but it felt too heavy, I wanted to be super honest, here, in this blog, but it was too much to even type. So, I am going to share a little of my heart, in a nutshell on some changes in my life, good and hard, but necessary for sure.

My mother-in-law and her husband came to visit last week. I had been a mental, physical mess before they came and my status didn't change while they were visiting. I really wanted to be able to sit down, focus, visit, laugh and enjoy my company, but I couldn't seem to do it. I was in my last week of school, working hard to pass that math class that kicked my butt and challenged me like nothing else this last quarter. I was overwhelmed to say the least, my migraine headaches had come back, I was exhausted, me and my husband had become roomates again, not really having any time for each other, although we wanted too, our schedules didn't allow for it. It was like tag team for us, he would get home, I would pass him the family so I could do all the things that I "had" to do.

I was running wild. I wanted to stop, but I was afraid. I was fearful of letting things go. I was fearful of becoming less than what I thought other people thought I should be. I was motivated by fear, approval of others and plain and simply trying to escape the "just being a mom and a wife" dilemna, that I had struggled with for so  many years.

I was drowning inside, in the pool that I continued to fill and fill. I thought the stress, headaches, sleepless nights, irratibility were okay, becuase I was bettering myself, it was for a good cause. I needed this education, I needed to be doing something for myself, I needed to feel independent and pursue something that I wanted. My family was suffering, but it was only for a few years, and wouldn't they be happy that I got what I wanted out of the deal?

My mother-in-laws husband, is a quiet man. He doesn't say a whole lot, and when he does, he is pretty soft spoken. The night before they were to leave, I had a meeting and I also had my last final the following day. I came home from the meeting and immediately went zooming through the house, afraid to sit down, afraid to let go, afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. I was so, "in the zone" that I didn't realize that Tim, my mother-in-laws husband had been standing trying to get my attention. Finally he said in a loud, authouratative voice, "Charissa, just 'STOP' for a minute will ya!" I stopped for sure, I was very surprised that he was so straight up with me and loud. I stopped and looked at him. He and my MIL were standing there wanting to give us a gift, but first they had to get my attention, so that I could receive it.

I sat down for a few minutes after that, and a little while later they were gone. For the next few days, Tim's request for me to "just Stop" played through my head over and over. It got the ball rolling through my life and I was able to "stop" and examine my life. As I gave myself permission to stop and slow down. I began to become aware of my physical and mental stress. I became more aware of the lack of "family" in my family. I became aware of my fears, true wants and needs. I became aware that I was drowning, and I was also holding the hose that continued to fill the tank.

I knew, that I needed to reevaluate my life, my time, my priorities. I needed to excavate my fears and find out what was hiding in them, find their true motive. I needed to sit with God,and ask " Is this what you intended for me?" I needed to seek wisdom from friends that have also spent time drowning themselves in the chaos and so called " have too's of life" And so I did. I evaluated, I reflected and heard some of the things my husband, friends, mother-in-law had said in the begining  to me about time and what they see with me. You see I used to want to be a lawyer, I do have the gift of persuasion, if I need to turn it on. I think I often use it on myself to deny what I know I need or to smooth over the truth so I can do what I want to do in the moment.

I have learned so much about myself, in a good, growing, do I really want to know this, type of lessons over this past year. Attending school, the early morning bus rides the late night studying, the lack of sleep, becoming  just roomates with my husband, loosing connections with important relationships, feeling like I've lost myself to I don't know who. It has been a sacrifice for me and my family. I have been stirring too many pots and nothing tastes good in the end. I am thankful for the experience. I am thankful that I it only took one year for me to get a small grip, I know, God will have to continue to teach me and train me and refocus me, but I'm okay with that, because I know he isn't surprised by me, he knows me, he knows I will lose sight again, but this time, I will also be looking for the signs of this loss of vision, I don't want to have to wait so long to recover my sight next time.

I asked my kids," Do you want mommy to continue or to take a break from school?" Kamari, my eight year old looked at me, cocked her head and said in her compassionate voice, " Well, I want you to be able to finish, because, I know  you want to, but I really wish you were here to do my hair in the morning, I feel like I go to school looking all messy." She was right, I was sending her to school looking a little mess. Kamari, has beautiful, big, thick, curly hair, and she has tried really hard to learn how to do it, and she has done well for the most part, but I would do a style and then I would look at her a week or so later and tell her that I was going to do her hair, but then I would need to study or do this or that. Since I left so early in the morning it was left to her and my husband to figure out her hair.

I also asked my son Jamison, who is five. He said, " Stop! Stop! I want you to Stop! I said why? he responded, "because I want to snuggle with you all the time, I want you to be home" I was "home" most of the time, but I wasn't "present". I didn't have time for sitting and snuggling, I would do that later. At least that was my mentality at the time.

I for the time being, maybe forever am choosing to discontinue my schooling. I know at this time in my life, that I could,(but it would mean too many sacrifices), do both. I can do a lot of things. I am good at multitasking. However, I shouldn't at this time. My family is too precious to me. I want to be present and pour myself into my family. I married the love of my life. I want to love him, enjoy his company, laugh with him etc. I want to have time in the morning to see my kids off to school to do Kamari's hair and make sure she leaves with a smile on her face. I want to snuggle with Jamison and Jeremiah and be able to be consistent and present with my two wild little boys. And, for me I need sanity. I want to write poetry and short stories again. I have maybe written two things in the last year. I know this is the balance I need. I know God has given me this gift and I want to cherish it. I want to smile and laugh. Everyone keeps telling me that this time, when my kids are young goes by so fast. I guess I'm tired of watching from the sidelines, I'm ready to play the game, get in there and make some memories, get some team spirit going.

When Tim was trying to get my attention, and eventually told me stop. It made me think, about how many times, God has tried to get my attention and told me to "stop". The funny thing is, Tim just wanted to give me a gift. I called him the other day and told him, that the greatest gift he gave me, was his telling me to"stop" I told him it started a chain reaction in my life and I shared with him, all that had transpired since then.

I know God calls me to stop sometimes because he wants to give me a gift, and sometimes that gift isn't the obvious one, it's the one, that we have to have our eyes opened to see. I thank God for opening my eyes. I have so much peace in my heart. I am even breathing better. It's difficult for me to let go of school and certain things, but at the same time, God has my heart, he sees my future and I am trusting him to guide me in the path he has laid for me, as I honor him, with what he has already given to me.