unsubscribed

I have missed blogging. It has been too long. In fact I have barely written anything over the last few months. I have been over subscribed. I just spent the last precious fifteen minutes clearing out my email. Over time, I have subscribed to too many things, people, activities, email notifications. I have wanted to unsubscribe for some time, but have been too busy, and honestly the thought of going through each email and figuring out if I wanted to keep the subscription felt like too much work.

However, I just did it, and it was worth every second. I just organized my email and it looks neat, and I may actually be able to respond in a timely manner to a new email. The junk is gone. I can see clearly now, no more credit card, singles (even though I'm married... weird) last chance, weekend only sale-ads popping up on my screen ( well it takes at least 48 hours for some unsubscribing actions to kick-in) but soon enough.

My life is unfocused right now. I need to focus. I want to focus. I don't want to focus. I feel a little torn at times. Sometimes, I want to live in the in-between. The place of I care, and I don't. I want to take huge leaps towards my dreams and goals, and at the same time, I want to lay low and just be.

I am oversubscribed to junk in my life. Things that steal my motivation and keep me from moving in positive directions. I have been over subscribed to excuses, self-pity, complaining, ungratefulness and plenty more. I am choosing to unsubscribe to the things that waste my life. The things that waste my talent. The things that waste my time, energy, and dull my living. I want to pay closer attention to detail,and live in the moment. I want to embrace my life and live it well. I want my heart to burst with love. I want laughter to fill my mouth. I want to see my own dimples in my cheeks more often. Too often my mouth smiles, but my eyes remain the same. A real smile begins with the eyes.

I will admit, it's a struggle. It's much easier to just let things be.Change is difficult. Change, changes things and then the rhythm must be found again. I'm ready to dance to a new beat, my feet have been ready for a while, but my heart has been holding back. I see my " want to" it's hovering above my head, encouraging me to jump for it, and I look down and lo' and behold, I am standing on a trampoline. Who knew? So I jump up and my " want to" embraces me and I cling to it.

Today I begin to live my first day of subscribing to life,and letting the subscriptions of junk be on their way. I will remember that it takes a while for the old to be gone, but I press on, planting flowers, where there once were only weeds. The garden of my soul is being tended too.

Check out your subscriptions in this life and see if you may need a little weeding. Here's a trampoline for your jump, cause your "want to" is right there for the grabbing. God bless your journey.

Meant to last...

It seems every channel I turn to, or every radio station I listen to, has news of tragedy around the world, natural disasters, crime, brokenness on every corner. It makes living in this world rough, and at times depressing. I find hope and sadness in the reality that this world is not all there is. The hope is found in the truth that God created this world, and that he knows how much it can handle, he knows how much we can handle. At times it seems he really tests our limits. If this world was all there was, I would be devastated on a daily basis, but Jesus tells us that this world is not our home, that we are just passing through. I find hope in the truth that God has another place for us, one free of drama.

The sadness comes in the loss of  lives, homes, land, joy, all the things that brokenness and tragedy and natural disasters can steal. The sadness comes in the tears I see streaming down people's faces on the news, or the catch in their throats as they talk about what they have seen. The inability to talk and the look of despair in their eyes when they can only whisper in their hearts what is going on, or can't even begin to find words to capture their experience.

In this crazy -God made world. Even though God made it, sadly it is also subject to brokenness and will not last forever. The only thing, or I should say the only one, who can stand the test of time, who can't be torn down by a hurricane, or blown away by  a tornado, or crumbled by an earthquake... is God. He holds up this world, with tears in his eyes at times, but he still holds us up. To some this world seems void of God and to others, they feel him in the wind. To me, I know he's here and sometimes he seems rough and sometimes he seems as  sweet as a flower, but I know he's here, and he will not abandon us or his world. He is stable, and in that I find hope.

Below is poem I wrote back in 2006 regarding the " Meant to last" quality of God.

Will Not Crumble


The name of the Lord is a strong tower
The righteous run into it and are safe

You, Oh God are a mighty fortress
An ever present help in times of trouble
You stand firm, you do not crumble

You, my Lord are water in the desert
Sun in the winter
Bread for my hungry soul
You stand firm
You do not crumble

You, my sweet, sweet Jesus are like honey to my lips
And oil to my dry flesh
You melt the hearts of men
You are steadfast
You stand firm, you do not crumble

My God is a strong tower
A Mighty fortress
A steady help in times of need
Sweet like honey to my lips
Oil to my weathered flesh
Living water to my thirsty spirit

My Lord is righteous and holy
And willing to love all the day long
My God is faithful and real
And able to stand firm
He does not crumble

My sweet, sweet Jesus is sweeter than sweet
And gentle
And the King of my heart
This world
My life
His universe
And he is here
now
Forever
And always
He is who He is
And
He
Will
Not
Crumble

Charissa Carroll
2006

For God's Girl

There is someone in my life, someone close to me that I love so dearly. I haven't always known how to show her this love. We have had quite the journey together. I spoke with her today, and learned so many new things about her. In this season and for many seasons of her life, her heart and soul have been heavy with sadness. My heart aches for her, and I really don't know what to do except... what I know to do. I know to pray and encourage and to call forth truth even in the darkest hour. I know God sees, and hears, and loves even in the darkness. You know who you are, and God knows where you are. I tell you today, his grace and his love are enough to satisfy your soul.  You belong to him, you have been bought by the blood of Jesus. I pray that hope would fill your heart and peace would corrupt your mind and truth would liberate your soul and that God's love would be so clear to you this day. I love you. And for anyone else out there struggling. Remember "whose" you are, even when you may not always know "who" you are.


God's Girl


You see, you belong somewhere
And it isn't where you currently reside
I'm not talking about your physical address either
I'm talking about your mind, your heart, your soul
You are loved
But your eyes can't see it
And your heart won't believe it
and your mind can't conceive
that it could possible be true

So you look
and wander
and hover
in dark corners
waiting
praying
crying
hoping
giving up
and in
to all those things
that call your name
but they don't know you like he does
and they can't see you the way he does
and they can't love you
with that kind of love that sticks
to  your bones
like cornbread
you need some hearty love girl
and
well
it's here
waiting
pure and real
and lasting
a good piece of love that will never ever
lose it's flavor
stay hungry
stay desperate
long enough
to let
this love
God's love
satisfy
and quench
and bathe
and liberate
your soul
mind
spirit
until
well
until you find rest in it
and until
you believe
really believe
a sold out
giving up all I have type of belief
believe that you are truly
undeniably
and without reservation
no take-backs
for real though
loved
and that you are
by name
God's Girl

Charissa Carroll 4/25/2011

Psalms for Olivia

     My sister Olivia, is still in the hospital. However, the good news is... she is recovering well and should be getting out and coming home on next Wednesday. Please continue to keep her in  your prayers, she still has a bit of an uphill climb ahead of her.  My sister has been through a lot. I remember the first time this brain aneurysm happened to her, we were so scared, and the Doctor's initial reports were not very positive. Back in 2009 when she had her first aneurysm, I wrote these two Psalms for her. They still seem appropriate, because God has remained steady and faithful.
     As Easter is only hours away. I am again reminded of the resurrection of Jesus, his physical one, and the one he has give my sister.  Jesus' resurrection from the grave, gives us all access to  transformation from death to life. He died for us. He lives for us. We are his. In this truth, I rest. In this truth, I live, move, and exist.

Psalm for Olivia


Laugh out loud and cry with me
God has saved me with certainty

He has renewed my mind
Claimed my body in his time

With praise on my lips, I testify
Even though I don't understand why
But I know my God can see
All my life, and all of me

He cares, He knows
He's heard my cry
He knows I want to live
Not die

He's given me a testimony in his name
My life he has reclaimed

Who am I to deserve such a thing
Who am I not to sing
In praise to my King

I magnify you, the Holy One
Amazing things you have done!

For Olivia
Charissa Carroll September 2009

My God 


Who are you, my God who saves
Creating miracles in your own strength

Who are you, my God who hears
Drying and bottling all my tears

Who are you, my God who loves
Freeing my spirit like wild doves

Who are you, my God who heals
In your own way
In your own time
Staying true to your word
To renew my mind

Who are you, my God who sees
My brokenness my misdeeds
My neediness, my hearts desire
My souls ache to acquire
All of you
and less of me
in my human frailty
Yes, you are my God who sees

Who are you, my God who knows
The depth of the ocean
How the human heart grows
and beats
and breaks
and fights to stay awake

Who are you, my God who holds
My broken and weary soul

Who binds me up
With your grace
With a love
Like an embrace

Who are you, my God
My Delight ,who keeps me safe
Through the night
And walks with me in my weary plight
And doesn't get scared or take flight

Who are you, my God
My Soldier always faithful and ready
Geared up, keeping watch, keeping me steady
When I fear, lose sight or forget
My soul declares " He ain't failed me yet"

For Olivia
Charissa Carroll September 2009
(slightly modified 4/23/2011)

A little glimpse of heaven

I am honestly a little overwhelmed with life right now. There is a lot going on around me. It seems too many people I care about are hurting and struggling in one way or another. I am not without my own struggles. It's funny though, when someone around you needs you, it's easy to just put your effort for self-improvement on the back burner. I am realizing I can't do that for too long. I need to try and keep the balance of self-care and helping others.

There will always be "so much" to do, but I am trying to just focus on the basics for now, breathing, sleeping, eating and making sure my husband and kids do too. With my sister being in the hospital, I have tried to be up to see her everyday and sometimes I don't get to see her until pretty late each night, since I want to go up without my kids.

My house has been looking really special lately, the dishes have sat a little too long, and the condiments in the fridge had a tad too much breathing room. The kids teeth need a good flossing and the recycling needs to be taken out. Yes, there are two adults in our house and for the time four kiddos, but the adults have each  been a bit overloaded.

After I came back this morning from dropping the kids off at school, I was still feeling overwhelmed, and didn't even want to try and figure out how to tackle the "to do" list. While sitting in my car a moment, I glanced over our front lawn, and it was seriously in need of a good cut. I didn't need to even peek over the back fence, I already knew it was much too overgrown for a simple lawn mower. I tried to think when I could fit cutting the grass in, and the thought made me tired, since I knew I would end up that way, with all the work and being allergic to cut grass.

Needless to say, I didn't want to do it, but it needed to be done. I took my husband to work, went to get coolant for our car, since it was completely dry and tried to find a few things at the store to create Easter Baskets for my kids, although I quickly realized it wasn't the right time for that, when my two year old, wanted everything he saw.

As I drove up to my house, a little glimpse of heaven awaited me. I couldn't believe my eyes, my heart felt light and my mind felt free. I looked around my yard, and it was beautiful, the grass was cut and the edges were trimmed. I just sat there for a moment thanking God.

I believe in God already, but if I didn't, that moment would have proved to me that He existed and loved me. It was a small thing, but  not really.  Across the street from us, lives a great family with seven kids, the husband is a teacher, and they are such kind, giving people, with a great family and a strong faith. The husband is the one who cut our lawn and it was such a needed blessing, my little glimpse of heaven. It's like God saw my " to do" list and said " I got the lawn" and crossed it off my list. It felt like a gift from God, and to me it was.

Thank you Jesus!

Conversations Around Race

Our Church has been having a five week session called " Conversations around race" we met together as a large group and then we broke off into ethnic specific groups to have more discussion. Our last meeting had everyone  together again. Each group gave a summary of what they had talked about and learned. We were asked to answer some specific questions. Our group decided to answer our questions poetically. I gathered everyone's notes and tried to answer our questions in a poetic way, keeping it honest, and hopefully capturing the heart of our conversations.

The questions were:
What was one highlight?
What was one challenge your ethnic group faced?
What is one gift of your ethnic group?
How do you view " Power" in light of the Gospel, and God calling us to be willing to lay our power down at times?
What message would you like to share with your brothers and sisters of different ethnic backgrounds/



Here are the responses.

Highlight

It was all significant in one way or two

It’s difficult to share only one with you

But to keep to the question

And to help keep the rhyme

The reality is… we had a wonderful time!

The Challenge

I can only speak for me

Although “I” am a “We” and “they”

But individually our opinions range

From “yes” to “no”, to “maybe so”

From I’m not sure are you?

But what I speak today is from all of us

And true

It’s our challenge

The thing we see we need to wrestle and manage

Even when we don’t have all the advantage

We know we have this

Our wits and our sense

The ability to get over the fence

And find a way through

Up down or in between

Travel down roads unseen

Until we…

Well… until we know we are where we need to be

We come in all shades

And we have more in common than we sometimes want to admit

Trials have greatly formed who we are today

And for that…

We are stronger

But we are also dispersed

And at times discouraged

We have plenty of strengths in our community

But also weakness

Often in the form of internalized oppression

And it only adds drama it does not lessen

What is eating us up

We challenge ourselves to rethink ourselves

And to redefine who we really are

Based on standards set by ourselves

We cannot base our ability to be or become

On who we are told we are or who we are not

Growth and truth must first reign supreme in our own hearts

Our challenge is to fight the internal battle

And we are fighting it

Daily we must each speak life to ourselves

And to those around us

We must spread this new propaganda of life giving truth!

And remember who we are

And whose we are…

And reassess our assets

So we know

What we bring

And then bring it with confidence

And in doing so better understand

All the God given ability that lies within

We must remember we are all one with each other

Even though we range in shades of color and tone

And were birthed in different places and homes

And speak languages foreign to some

From the African brother

To the light-skinned African-American mother

Some may try to split us up and claim we are not one

But we don’t want to play that game

It isn’t any fun

We are who we are; we will be who we will be this Negro-African-Black-American multi-faceted family!

Yes, still part of the human race

Although sometimes confused in this crowded American space

We challenge those who desire to conquer and divide

Those who encourage black on black oppression, to lessen our pride

We stand strongly and speak of unity

Not just you… not just me… but we

We desire to stand united

But at times we stand divided

And too often… we stand alone

We began, again during this process of conversations around race to

Remember…

Cause it’s a daily thing

That we are created in the image of God and we are precious in his sight

We are beautiful

We have wisdom and might

And resilience, and passion

And truth to be shared

And wisdom from those who with burdens did bear

But we must share this with the young in our community

And remind the elders too

And whisper it in the ears of babes

So they grow up hearing the truth

We are in this thing together

The race is not yet won

But if we keep on trekking

We shall overcome

Gift

All it takes sometimes is one head nod

And you know

Right then

That you belong

That someone sees you

It’s like a secret handshake

A special language

Without words

And we have it

This instant community

On the street

In the grocery store

At that convention on the other side of town where nobody looks like you

Wherever we are

Where two or more gather

Just give the nod

Get the gift

Power

Clouds have it when they thunder down rain

And the sun expresses it when it warms the earth

God gave it when he breathed his breath into Adam

And he gave it to you and I when we exited the womb

We really have it when we lay it down

And it lasts longer when we manage it well

It’s meant to be shared

No Lording over one another

It’s meant to be laid down

And respected

You have just as much power as I do

My pie may be peach and yours apple

But we both have pies

And we both have something to offer

I will give you a slice of mine

And surely you will share with me too

You might just get hooked

Interested in the recipe?

Listen

I want to know your secret too

Tell me, if you will

I am powerful by the grace of God

And we are powerful together

Let’s teeter totter our power

So one of us doesn’t end up always on the ground

We must choose to not abuse

And we must be willing to share

Those things meant for sharing

With love, grace, humility, joy

And sometimes dragging our feet

Unto each other

For the good of all

And for the glory of God

(c) Charissa Carroll 2011

 Message

When God made humankind

He said we were good

When God confused languages at the Tower of Babel

I’m sure none of them spoke English and he understood them just fine

God sees us and loves us

He sees our dark skin and boasts of the smoothness

And he sees our brown skin and thinks of chocolate

He sees our yellow skin and is reminded of the sun

And he sees our peachy skin and thinks of summer

He sees our white skin and is reminded of the first snow

But he also sees our hearts

And is reminded of why he died

And our brokenness

And our inability to love one another

Because some of us don’t like summer

Or chocolate

Or we prefer sun over snow

But remember

He knows

And he cares

It is his burden to bear

But by his grace

And by his spirit

And because

He told us to

We must learn to love

Not always like

But give love a try

Like learning to ride a bike

And be okay with falling down

And scraping a knee or two

And when you do

When we do

And we see the blood

Let’s remember

The cross and all that is true

Jesus didn’t die for just you

Or me

He died to set us free

From ourselves and our sin

So that love could win

Charissa Carroll 4/14/2011

All rights reserved (c)  2011 Charissa Carroll

Did he really say....

Did God ever say that we would not experience trouble, heartache, disappointment, tragedy, death, loss of hopes  and dreams, devastation? Who can be exempt from such things? As of today my sister is in the ICU at the hospital, this is the second time in two years that she has experienced a brain aneurysm. When it happened the first time, the doctors were able to see that she had a genetic malformation in a clump of blood vessels  in her brain. So, we know "why" she had the aneurysm, it's hard though that it has happened a second time. Life is not fair, but who ever said it would be?

When trouble or disappointment or sorrow or loss comes upon us, we often, or at least I do want to find out the "why" of it all. We want to blame someone, point a finger at ourselves or just be angry. There is a story in the bible about a man who was born blind. Some of his disciples wanted to point a finger at someone. They asked Jesus who it was that sinned, the man born blind or his parents. Jesus told his disciples neither this man or his parents sinned, that is not why he is blind. He is blind so that God's glory might be manifested in him.

We do live in a fallen world, even those of us who follow Jesus, we still live in a fallen world. Following Jesus does not make the world heaven all of the sudden. I believe we will still go through the same drama everyone else goes through. We will still experience death, people will still break in our houses, some of us will still get cancer, we will lose our houses, we will experience pain and disappointment just like everyone else in the world. Even in the Bible we are reminded to cast our cares on God, why? because we will have things that overwhelm us. We are encouraged not to worry, why? because there will be things to worry about. We are encouraged to trust in God with all of our hearts and lean not on our own understanding, why? because some of the things we experience will take us for a ride, if we have to rely only on ourselves. Jesus tells us not to worry about what we will eat or drink or wear, why? because he knows there will be times when we are without.

My husband really likes this Christian rap group called  " Cross Movement". They have a song that I like and the chorus basically says " Your born, you suffer, you die, but there's a loophole" The loophole is that we do have to navigate this world in all it's beauty and brutality, but this isn't all there is. There is more, it's eternity with Jesus. In heaven there are no tears, no worry, no death, no suffering, no bills, no lack of anything.

I think Jesus gives us that picture of heaven so we can have assurance that it is different from the world. It gives us hope and something to look forward to. Heaven is heaven, earth is not, and it's not supposed to be.

We have promises given us in the Bible and they are not promises that we will never get sick, or have heartache, or die, or struggle. They are promises that we will struggle, but God will struggle with us. We will have heartache, but God will comfort us. We will experience death, but it's not the end. We will have times when we feel we can't make it and God will hold us up.

This life is not all lollipops and rainbows. There are plenty of things to celebrate in this world that God has created, but there are also plenty of reasons to cry and despair. God is with us. He is with my sister. He sees her now in the ICU. He knows what she needs. He knows we need comfort and we want her to be okay. We trust that God has her.

My trust in God is one that says. " God you are mighty and holy and able to do all things, but you are not a genie and you do not do my bidding or fulfill my every wish." However, you are faithful and loving and you do not treat me as my sins deserve, you are gracious and compassionate. You know things I can't even begin to imagine and you see what I need even if I can't see it. So I trust you God, to lead my life, even when it doesn't make sense. I trust you God to comfort me, when I feel betrayed and lost in this world."

You are a God of your Word and you promise to always be with me, even when I feel lost in the chaos of this place.

Dear Japan...

Dear Japan,

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. When I heard about what happened to you, my heart broke. I can't imagine how scary it all must have been, how scary it still is. I am so sorry for the lives you have lost; your mother's, Father's, sister's, brother's, your children, your relatives.

My heart aches for you. I wish I could be there to help. I know things may look and feel  hopeless right now, but be encouraged, the world sees what's has happened. And you will not be forgotten.


I pray that the God of all peace will give  you peace. I pray that the God of all comfort will comfort you. I pray the God of all help will come to your aid. I pray the God of all restoration will restore what has been destroyed. I pray for your protection from the radiation. I pray for provision. I pray for warmth. I pray that all your needs will be met.

I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and praying for you. I am not there to offer any aid, but I offer what I can to you today. My prayers and encouragement. Praying for a better tomorrow, praying for a restored Japan.

May God bless you in every way,

Charissa

I'm guilty...

I think it's easy sometimes to " not do" something and feel very proud of ourselves. It's easy to see someone doing something wrong and pat ourselves on the back because we haven't done that thing. Sometimes  it seems  easier to abstain from things that seem wrong rather than participate in things that seem right.

I'm thinking of the Ten Commandment in the Bible. They tell us what " not to do", but they in the same command also tell us what "to do". We were talking about the Ten Commandments in Sunday school last week with some of the youth at church.

I grew up knowing what the Ten Commandments were and tried to honor them. I never really thought they were much more than rules to remind me of what "not to do." This Sunday, I realized they were more than just rules telling me what not to do, they were also commands of what to do.

I'm thinking specifically of the command  " Do not kill/Murder". I can say with in all honesty that I have never murdered anyone...physically. However, murder/killing is more than just a physical thing. There are plenty of ways to kill without touching a hair on someones' head. Have I ever killed someones dreams? Killed their spirit with unkind words? Killed their hopes? Killed there effort? Killed their chances of doing well? Killed their confidence? This may seem far fetched to some, but just think of a time when someones words felt like murder to your heart. Or think of a time that you may have had to repent, or seek forgiveness of someone that you know you destroyed with your words, your anger, your selfishness.

I think we are all guilty of  killing/murder in one way or another. This isn't about feeling all guilty or condemnation. I guess for me it's a reminder of the power of the tongue and the power we have. The Bible does say that  " Life and death lie in the power of the tongue.

The other aspect of looking at this commandment is to ask myself, " what am I doing to spread life?" If I refrain from eating junk food, but don't fill my body with healthy food, then am I really taking care of my body? I could go around pointing at junk food and telling people that I don't eat junk, but when asked what I do eat, would I be able to say, " lots of fruits and veggies?" Or would my pride just rest in the fact that I don't eat junk food like everybody else.

I haven't killed anyone! But what do I do with the power that I have? Am I speaking life to people? Encouraging them? Spurring them on to good deeds? Sharing hope? Am I loving people? Or just using all my effort to keep from hating so that I can feel like a good person?

I am challenged by all the commandments in a new way. I see them in a new light. I am not talking about works here, or being better so God will love me. I'm talking about trying to live a purposeful loving, giving life, not just following the rules. Rules get broken. No one can keep the Ten Commandments perfectly, God knows this and he offers grace and forgiveness, hope and peace.

We may not be haters, but isn't there more to us than just who we are not?
What do you want to be known for?
Are you a giver, and encourager, a helper, a dream booster?

Let's consider our ways this week and make that change,
I'm starting with the woman in the mirror, I'm asking her to change her ways, and no message could of been any clearer, if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make that change woo, na, na, na ,na, na, na, na, na, na..... ( Thanks Micheal Jackson)

Just in the nick of time!

My youngest son is beautifully stubborn. Some say he's just strong willed. However, when we are in public and he is trying to run the show, he will scream at the top of his lungs until he gets what he wants. I used to just give in, when I couldn't handle it anymore( I know). I have been trying the last few days, to go head to head with him, wait it out, re-establish who's boss. Well, it took 2 hours yesterday before he finally did what I asked him to do, but I held my ground and he eventually obeyed.

It's one thing in the privacy of your own home...and a whole other ball game in public. We were in the grocery store today, needed to quickly pick up a few things. I put my lil guy in the cart, and all was well. I decided to get him a little treat from the bulk food area. He seemed compliant picked out what he wanted, the only problem was, he wanted his choice right then, I gave him one little jelly fruit, the problem was he wanted all of them. I didn't give them to him because they were sold by weight and if he ate them all the  cashier wouldn't be able to charge me.

He began the scream, super loud, standing up in the cart, did I say SUPER LOUD? well, I could not seem to get him to stop and I couldn't give in, we were in day three of establishing who was boss, and I needed to pay for them first. People were staring at me checking down the aisle. I moved to a different aisle trying to hide and get him to quiet down.

I finally took him out of the cart and he was still screaming wanting his treat. At this point, I just wanted to crawl under a rock and eat chocolate, but I'm working on not always trying to escape too. I was praying under my breath, kindly asking God for help, and for my son to stop.

A few minutes later he is still screaming, I feel stuck and at the end of my rope. I look up and this petite older woman comes down the aisle I'm trying to hide in. She comes up to me and let's me know that she can see my son is highly agitated and is inquiring if there is any way she can help. I have to admit, my guard was up big time, I was on the defensive, expecting her to judge my ability to control my son.

I asked her what she thought she could do to help( I was not being super friendly). She said, " I can pray for him!" I have to admit I was shocked by her response. I asked her if she was a Christian, she said that she was. I told her that I would actually really appreciate it, because I was feeling very overwhelmed at the moment. 

So there in the natural foods section of Fred Meyer the three of us stood. I took the moment and closed my eyes while still holding my son, and allowed her to pray for us. My son calmed down, I thanked her and we quickly paid and left the store.

I have never had anything like that happen to me. I needed that moment, as crazy as it was. I needed to see that God was with me, it's good to know he has people all around. We are supposed to be one big family right? It took a lot of boldness for that woman to approach us and to offer prayer. 

Thank you Lord for seeing me in my time of struggle,and extending your grace and peace through a stranger. Give me that same boldness and compassion to respond to those around  me, stranger or kin. Thank you Lord for your kindness towards me, please bless that woman who blessed me, I know you know where she is. I know you know her name, just as you know mine.

It's okay to be O.K.

Philippians 4:10-13 (New Living Translation)

Paul’s Thanks for Their Gifts

 ¹⁰ How I praise the Lord that you are concerned about me again. I know you have always been concerned for me, but you didn’t have the chance to help me. ¹¹ Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. ¹² I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. ¹³ For I can do everything through Christ,^[a] who gives me strength. 

I've been thinking about the above verse lately. I've been thinking about what it means for me to be content, for me to be o.k. I realize that I can be o.k. with who I am, how I am, what I am. For me being content is not me sticking my head in the mud and saying " this is just who I am, I will always be this way," It's me really looking at myself, my life, my journey thus far. It's me taking inventory of my current situation and looking back down the road to see how far I've come.

Being content is about recognizing what's been done by you, for you, and with you. I know that if I am always looking for who I " want to be" or who I'm "not" then that is a pretty depressing life. In all reality, no one is really ever going to reach perfection on this side of eternity. Being content, being  o.k. with myself is about celebrating the journey thus far, and acknowledging the hard work it took to get here, and giving praise to God for his guidance, and thanking those who have walked alongside me on this journey, up to this point.

Stopping at each milestone and remembering, giving praise, having a heart of gratitude and expectation for the things to come, not just things, but growth, deeper relationships, hard things too, for they bring the best results.( even though they are really tough to go through)

I know that I am not " all I ever want to be right now" however, I am at the same time. I will always be growing and maturing and learning new ways to humble myself, better ways to listen,  more strategic ways to get things done. I will still need to  work on slowing down, keeping focus, and many other things, but that is my point, this life is about growing and learning and being who we are. I firmly believe that it is really important, crucial in fact to my well being to be o.k. with me as is. It's where I start. It's me being real and honest with me.

The honesty free's me up to see where I am and be o.k. with the good, bad and the ugly, but also gives me the opportunity to improve on those things too. I think about my weight loss journey. I think about how I used to believe I would really love myself when I got " skinny", then I would be loveable and somehow that self -love would just automatically turn itself on... I'm not " skinny" yet, in fact I don't know if I will ever be classified as such, but I do know that if I don't love myself now, I won't love myself later. So I love me now, as I am, and I am working on my body, but it has nothing to do with loving me now.

I am learning to be o.k. so I can take time for evaluation, honestly checking myself, honestly giving God praise for who he is in my life and for what he has done, and  being able to celebrate with those who love me along the way.

Whatever situation you find yourself  in today, find something in it to celebrate, find a growing edge, look for a way to encourage someone else. Our life is our life, it isn't about comparing one person's heartache to someone else's heartache. 

We are where we are in this life and that's our starting point, keep  moving forward, I encourage you to celebrate and take joyful inventory along the way, after all, we only have one life to live.

She's slowing down...

I am focusing on slowing down, really seeing people when I look at them, and listening fully. It's amazing the things I see and hear, now that I am giving more of my attention. I feel happy and less stressed. It's been nice not being so particular about every inch of the house being clean, and just letting some things be.

Deciding to take a break from school, was exactly what I needed. Everyone in the family seems to be doing a lot better now. I recently found out that my kids and myself have a lot of  food allergies. In the beginning it was very overwhelming, it was hard to figure out what to eat.

However, now it's not so difficult, we are starting to eat real food again. Most supermarkets don't sell food, they sell convenience and taste, but not real food. I have been making green smoothies for the family every morning and homemade chicken stock, fruit salads, steamed veggies, and much more. The food allergies, have turned into a blessing, because it forces us to eat real food again, we can't go for just taste or convenience anymore.

Everyone is happier, healthier, sleeping better and full of life. I love touching fresh living food and preparing it on a daily basis. I am so thankful we have healthy food to eat.

I am taking life one day at at time, desiring to leave my heart and mind open to God in every way.

I  have not known what to blog lately. I have felt, kinda of empty when it came to typing words, so this is my step back into the world of sharing a little Soul Babble.

Have a wonderful day. Enjoy something nutritious today.

New Years Resolutions!

It's a fresh new year. It's time for new experiences, new living, new hope, new dreams, a new attitude. I am thankful for all of last year. I have learned so much and am excited to learn more. I'm thankful for a fresh start, but I realize that I don't need a new year to have a new start.

My son received a gift of some cute little frog rain boots, but he was scared of the eyes on them. I decided to return them or at least exchange them for a different pair. I made my way to Kmart, only to find out that they do not take returns without receipts. The woman told me to try and contact the giver and see if they still had the receipt or to find out if they used their Kmart rewards card. She was sorry, but there was nothing she could do without a receipt. I honestly thought that was a horrible store policy, but I said okay and went about my way, knowing that I was not going to contact the giver or go through all of that.

I have to admit I was a little irritated, couldn't I at least exchange the boots for a pair, my son wasn't scared of? The answer was a simple "no." Of course this had me thinking for a while about policies, and how different Kmart was from other stores, who would take anything and everything back, no questions asked. Most stores at least gave you a store credit, or gift card.

In light of this new year. I am extra thankful that God does not have a Kmart policy. I know that I need God to accept my returns(my sins, issues,) with no questions asked. I need God to take me as I am with all my imperfections. I need God to take my compulsive purchases and take them back, even without a receipt and I need him to take my regrets and dislikes too. I don't have the energy, nor desire to track down the source of all my stuff or give proof of where it came from. I know God already knows my story and why I do what I do. He knows my heart, and he knows your heart too.

God operates under a Nordstrom policy, he takes everything back, he gives new merchandise for old, worn out, outgrown things. He trades beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, peace for despair  ( Bible paraphrase). He can give a fresh start without the clock hitting midnight. He does it daily for people.  I'm thankful for God's grace, that allows him to see our deficiency and accept us as is.

My new years resolution is to be more open to the life God has given me, to learn to love people better, love myself a little more too. My resolutions are all under the umbrella of being more open to God and his activity in my life and this world. I want to walk in peace and enjoy each day that I am given with the people God has placed around me.  

Happy New Year, many blessings to you!

Amazing God!

I have seen God in action. I see him in action. He is always working, moving, mending, healing, reviving, supplying, listening. My goodness God is so very faithful! Our house was broken into a few weeks ago, and while it was devastating at the moment, God worked it all out for good. I am actually thankful for the experience, it brought our family closer, it re-tuned our ears to God and it erupted in me a new spirit of thankfulness.

I have seen God heal my broken heart, and mend my torn soul, I have felt his comfort and experienced his amazing presence. I have seen him work things out, that looked really rough. I have heard his voice and experienced his discipline. He has opened my eyes to see my own brokeness and neediness only to show me that it was okay to be broken, in fact that was where he wanted  me, dependent on him, less of me and more of him.
God knows me, he sees me, he hears me, he knows my imperfections and hang ups, he knows my strengths and sorrows. I just want to give God praise and honor. I want to shout from the mountaintops how amazing he is! I want others to experience this gentle, mighty God that is alive in this world.
Thank you Lord for loving me, caring for me, making yourself known to me. I couldn't find you on my own, so you found me. I couldn't even believe in you on my own, so you gave me faith. I can't even live for you alone, so you give me your Holy Spirit to guide me and to strengthen me, I can't even praise you without your grace, so you fill my lungs with air and fill my mouth with song.
 You God are something else. You are Holy! Thank you for finding me and claiming me and loving me and providing for me and protecting me and being with me even when things don't always work out the way I want them too, you are always present and that's what your promise is all about.... in so many ways. You promise to never leave us or forsake us. Thank you Jesus!

The thief... and my smile

I don't know who
I can't say why
but I know
I wanted to cry
to come on home
with kids in tow
and see a big broken window
the glass was shattered
and my heart was hurt
they left footprints of mud and dirt
the computer was gone
and so was the Mp3
but thank God no harm came to my family
this is life
the good and the bad
however, I have peace
and for that I'm glad
so until a new computer I get
I will have to temporarily quit blogging
but just for a while
the thief took many things
but he didn't get my smile

until later,

Charissa

"Stop" in the name of love...

I've had bloggers block the last few weeks. Not so much because, I haven't had anything to blog, but because, there has been too much to blog. I really wanted to share some things, but it felt too heavy, I wanted to be super honest, here, in this blog, but it was too much to even type. So, I am going to share a little of my heart, in a nutshell on some changes in my life, good and hard, but necessary for sure.

My mother-in-law and her husband came to visit last week. I had been a mental, physical mess before they came and my status didn't change while they were visiting. I really wanted to be able to sit down, focus, visit, laugh and enjoy my company, but I couldn't seem to do it. I was in my last week of school, working hard to pass that math class that kicked my butt and challenged me like nothing else this last quarter. I was overwhelmed to say the least, my migraine headaches had come back, I was exhausted, me and my husband had become roomates again, not really having any time for each other, although we wanted too, our schedules didn't allow for it. It was like tag team for us, he would get home, I would pass him the family so I could do all the things that I "had" to do.

I was running wild. I wanted to stop, but I was afraid. I was fearful of letting things go. I was fearful of becoming less than what I thought other people thought I should be. I was motivated by fear, approval of others and plain and simply trying to escape the "just being a mom and a wife" dilemna, that I had struggled with for so  many years.

I was drowning inside, in the pool that I continued to fill and fill. I thought the stress, headaches, sleepless nights, irratibility were okay, becuase I was bettering myself, it was for a good cause. I needed this education, I needed to be doing something for myself, I needed to feel independent and pursue something that I wanted. My family was suffering, but it was only for a few years, and wouldn't they be happy that I got what I wanted out of the deal?

My mother-in-laws husband, is a quiet man. He doesn't say a whole lot, and when he does, he is pretty soft spoken. The night before they were to leave, I had a meeting and I also had my last final the following day. I came home from the meeting and immediately went zooming through the house, afraid to sit down, afraid to let go, afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. I was so, "in the zone" that I didn't realize that Tim, my mother-in-laws husband had been standing trying to get my attention. Finally he said in a loud, authouratative voice, "Charissa, just 'STOP' for a minute will ya!" I stopped for sure, I was very surprised that he was so straight up with me and loud. I stopped and looked at him. He and my MIL were standing there wanting to give us a gift, but first they had to get my attention, so that I could receive it.

I sat down for a few minutes after that, and a little while later they were gone. For the next few days, Tim's request for me to "just Stop" played through my head over and over. It got the ball rolling through my life and I was able to "stop" and examine my life. As I gave myself permission to stop and slow down. I began to become aware of my physical and mental stress. I became more aware of the lack of "family" in my family. I became aware of my fears, true wants and needs. I became aware that I was drowning, and I was also holding the hose that continued to fill the tank.

I knew, that I needed to reevaluate my life, my time, my priorities. I needed to excavate my fears and find out what was hiding in them, find their true motive. I needed to sit with God,and ask " Is this what you intended for me?" I needed to seek wisdom from friends that have also spent time drowning themselves in the chaos and so called " have too's of life" And so I did. I evaluated, I reflected and heard some of the things my husband, friends, mother-in-law had said in the begining  to me about time and what they see with me. You see I used to want to be a lawyer, I do have the gift of persuasion, if I need to turn it on. I think I often use it on myself to deny what I know I need or to smooth over the truth so I can do what I want to do in the moment.

I have learned so much about myself, in a good, growing, do I really want to know this, type of lessons over this past year. Attending school, the early morning bus rides the late night studying, the lack of sleep, becoming  just roomates with my husband, loosing connections with important relationships, feeling like I've lost myself to I don't know who. It has been a sacrifice for me and my family. I have been stirring too many pots and nothing tastes good in the end. I am thankful for the experience. I am thankful that I it only took one year for me to get a small grip, I know, God will have to continue to teach me and train me and refocus me, but I'm okay with that, because I know he isn't surprised by me, he knows me, he knows I will lose sight again, but this time, I will also be looking for the signs of this loss of vision, I don't want to have to wait so long to recover my sight next time.

I asked my kids," Do you want mommy to continue or to take a break from school?" Kamari, my eight year old looked at me, cocked her head and said in her compassionate voice, " Well, I want you to be able to finish, because, I know  you want to, but I really wish you were here to do my hair in the morning, I feel like I go to school looking all messy." She was right, I was sending her to school looking a little mess. Kamari, has beautiful, big, thick, curly hair, and she has tried really hard to learn how to do it, and she has done well for the most part, but I would do a style and then I would look at her a week or so later and tell her that I was going to do her hair, but then I would need to study or do this or that. Since I left so early in the morning it was left to her and my husband to figure out her hair.

I also asked my son Jamison, who is five. He said, " Stop! Stop! I want you to Stop! I said why? he responded, "because I want to snuggle with you all the time, I want you to be home" I was "home" most of the time, but I wasn't "present". I didn't have time for sitting and snuggling, I would do that later. At least that was my mentality at the time.

I for the time being, maybe forever am choosing to discontinue my schooling. I know at this time in my life, that I could,(but it would mean too many sacrifices), do both. I can do a lot of things. I am good at multitasking. However, I shouldn't at this time. My family is too precious to me. I want to be present and pour myself into my family. I married the love of my life. I want to love him, enjoy his company, laugh with him etc. I want to have time in the morning to see my kids off to school to do Kamari's hair and make sure she leaves with a smile on her face. I want to snuggle with Jamison and Jeremiah and be able to be consistent and present with my two wild little boys. And, for me I need sanity. I want to write poetry and short stories again. I have maybe written two things in the last year. I know this is the balance I need. I know God has given me this gift and I want to cherish it. I want to smile and laugh. Everyone keeps telling me that this time, when my kids are young goes by so fast. I guess I'm tired of watching from the sidelines, I'm ready to play the game, get in there and make some memories, get some team spirit going.

When Tim was trying to get my attention, and eventually told me stop. It made me think, about how many times, God has tried to get my attention and told me to "stop". The funny thing is, Tim just wanted to give me a gift. I called him the other day and told him, that the greatest gift he gave me, was his telling me to"stop" I told him it started a chain reaction in my life and I shared with him, all that had transpired since then.

I know God calls me to stop sometimes because he wants to give me a gift, and sometimes that gift isn't the obvious one, it's the one, that we have to have our eyes opened to see. I thank God for opening my eyes. I have so much peace in my heart. I am even breathing better. It's difficult for me to let go of school and certain things, but at the same time, God has my heart, he sees my future and I am trusting him to guide me in the path he has laid for me, as I honor him, with what he has already given to me.

The Great Sweep

I was sweeping the floor this afternoon, and although it didn't look too bad, I was surprised by how much dust, little pieces of whatever, food crumbs, toys and other miscelaneous items filled the dustpan. If someone just walked into my house, they would have been surprised that my floor was so dirty, even though it wasn't so obvious.

I love sweeping, because I love the before and after effect. Even when the floor doesn't look "really dirty" you know it is, and after you sweep, you see the difference and feel the difference when you walk on your hardwood floors and a bunch of crumbs don't adhere to your socks or bare feet. It's a good feeling. I will admit sometimes though, that sweeping is a bit overwhelming at times. At times it seems like I could sweep forever and never get every piece of dust or crumbs off the floor. I've had those times, when I swept the floors and then mopped, only to realize that I missed a pile or forgot to sweep one corner, then to clean that area only to find more stuff falling off the broom onto the newly swept and mopped floor.

I used to mop my floor a couple of times a week, trying to keep it clean, clean, clean. I usually sweep everyday, because if I don't it really builds up, with five people eating, walking and carrying things in from the outdoors on a daily basis, the dirt builds up.

So, as I was sweeping today, my heart made a little connection to, "The Great Sweep" that has happened in my life, and the mini-sweeps that happen on a daily basis. My life is the dirt, crumbs, toys, dust, little pieces of whatever strewn about. I try to keep myself together, dust the cobwebs of my life, pick up things that spill, throw away my trash, but even sometimes after I sweep really well, or mop with a good cleaner, there is still that pile that I miss or that dust bunny that just drops from the broom onto the newly cleaned floor.

And at times trying to keep my life, my heart, my mind all swept up and in perfect order is nearly impossible. It seems that my kids can go for days, even weeks without spilling something on the floor, that is until I decided to mop the floor, then for some reason, they will spill that day and the next, and I feel frustrated because, I just cleaned the floor, and now it's all sticky and messy, and I have to clean it again, and I don't want to...

For me, that is life in a lot of ways, we clean up really well, or so we think and then, we mess up our lives, or someone messes with our lives and we feel overwhelmed, or frustrated with ourselves and others, and we feel like we are a huge mess. I have by the grace of God accepted the fact that I  needed, "The Great Sweep" in my life. For me, " The Great Sweep" was Jesus and his death on the cross. When he died he took all my dirt with him, all my mess and swept it up, then threw it away. When He showed me the pile of  my life and asked me if it was mine, I agreed it was mine, but that I didn't need nor want it. He told me he could sweep it up and do away with it, something I could never do on my own. When he rose from the dead, not only was He alive,but I was made alive too.

His death and resurection changed the way I needed to clean my house (my life). Now that I have experienced, " The Great Sweep" in my life, I don't try to get every corner immaculate, every dust bunny cleared, every piece of dust swept up. I know that I can't, I will never be able to see it all. I know my eyes don't see me as God can. I can look at my life, and think, " oh, it's not that bad, I don't see too much dirt" However, I know God has seen all my dirt, and he has done away with it all.

Even though God has cleansed my life, I still collect dust, junk, crumbs, I still need a good sweep, but I don't do it myself. When I look around my life and see that it's all piling up again, or when I look around and think everything is just fine, and I don't have any dirt, it's a good time for me to ask God to inspect my house, my life and sweep up whatever he finds, that isn't pleasing to him, to lift up the rugs and show me what's underneath, to point out the piles, I have missed and to do away with it. This is my confession to God that my life apart from him, will always be a mess. It's also my confession of faith, that I believe He can handle my mess, and would like him to do so.

The Great Sweep is my salvation, it gives me the freedom to live my life with a desire to please God, to make mistakes, knowing the one who sees it all will not reject me, knowing, I can confess my mistakes, my neediness, my brokenness to God and he will act accordingly. He has given me the freedom to live a life of purpose and grace, knowing, I am free, forgiven, loved and that I belong.

Keeping my heart focused, when my world is a bit much...

I feel like I have been going and going, like the Energizer bunny the last few months. I have been overwhelmed and feeling a bit down. I am reminding myself again today, that even when my life feels like too much, maybe it is, and maybe that's okay. I am letting God in on my little secret, I'm going to share with him, that I'm overwhelmed, and in need of some TLC. I choose to keep my heart focused, even when all around me seems to be just a little bit shaky.

Your love

When life comes rolling at you, like a mighty tidal wave
and everyone around you, seems to have un-shake-able faith

You want to run and hide, but shelter can't be found
You finally surrender, on the cold, hard ground

And it's amazing, the grace that washes me
It's amazing, the beauty that I see
It's amazing, more than I can dream

It's amazing, your faithful love for me.

Charissa Carroll 2010

Little Miss Excuses has an " Aha" moment or two!

I am having " Aha" moments, left and right these days. I don't always like them, but I am thankful that I get them and most of the time am willing to learn the lesson being taught. This year my eyes have really been opened to the amount of excuses I make. I'm not saying the excuses I make aren't valid, most of them are... well, okay, just some.

The thing is, they feel very valid to me, based on the way I think and the way I like things to be. Deep down, I'm kind of a loner. I like being with friends and family, but I also like to be alone. I like one on one time with people and I like events that I can go to and get lost in, which means not noticed, but be there, without really having to be present.

When I am with someone, or doing something, I like to give my full attention. If I think that will be a problem, I usually try to not do that thing or be with that person. I realize I am always looking to make things perfect, I try to set everything up, to work out as planned and so that it is controlled. I have grown a lot in this area, I have learned to go with the flow a little more than in  my past, but this is a continual, situation by situation test for me.

Recently a good friend of mine was planning on coming down for a night and hanging with the family. We made plans months ago and it was pretty much a done deal. As the day started drawing near for her to come down, I started getting overwhelmed. Now, this is a friend I have known for almost ten years, we know each other, we laugh together, cry together, exercise together, she's watched my kids, and we don't feel the need to try and impress each other. We can just be ourselves. Well, I still had a hang up. My house was a mess, and my kids still wake up at night. I didn't have a plan for a good dinner, cause it was the end of the month and we were just eating what was in the house. I was overwhelmed with things, I thought needed to be done before she could come. I wanted to be able to be present, but it didn't seem possible.

I was certain that if she came, I would not be able to sit and talk with her, because there were so many other things to do, and she couldn't come for dinner, because we were probably just going to have peanut butter and jelly, and the house was messy and I needed to make up a place for her to sleep and what if the kids woke her up at night with their waking up. My plan was to call her and tell her that it wasn't going to work out for her to come, and that she should just come the next day in the morning.

I knew that canceling was lame, but it felt like the only option. I prayed and asked God to help me not sabotage our plans based on my excuses. I called my friend and told her that we have option " A" and option " B". I then began to tell her all my excuses as to why she couldn't come. She listened and we talked about it. As I heard myself talk, each excuse sounded so absurd, but I really needed to tell her my genuine concerns, so that I could hear myself say them and hopefully let them go.

She almost gave in to my excuses and said she didn't want to stress me out, but that she would just come the next day. She told me, she could help if she came and the she wasn't needy or expecting anything grandiose. I knew everything she said was true.I told her that I wanted her to come. I told her I needed her to breakthrough my excuses with me and tell me that it would be okay. I know it was kind of difficult for her, because this isn't the first time I have done this to her.

We talked some more and ended up laughing a little. She said she would come around 6:30 so that I wouldn't feel stress about making a dinner for her. We then got off the phone. I looked around in the cupboard and discovered that I could make spaghetti, I called her back and told her to come for dinner and since she offered earlier to bring something, I took her up on that and she brought a salad.

During the day I handled my business, all the things, that I thought I just had to do, and you know what? It wasn't as crazy as my brain hyped it all up to be. My friend came, we ate, we made some healthy treats, we laughed, we talked, and it was great.

Here are a few things I realized about excuses.
1. They usually only take the person giving the excuse into consideration. Although I thought I was doing her a favor by not having her come to my messy, low budget dinner house. I wasn't thinking about how she had set this time aside in her schedule, or how maybe she needed some time with me and my family. I originally only thought of myself.

2. The excuses are just that, excuses. Even when they are valid, if we sit down and ask ourselves what they are really about, it's usually, at least for me, about control, or just and excuse to not have to do something I need to do. If you really don't want to or can't do something, just say " no", I think we justify ourselves a little too much anyway, but when you say yes, do your best to keep it a yes.

3. Excuses, may excuse us from what we don't want to, or feel we can do, but they also excuse of from growth in those areas, when we just keep on making them.

This was just one example of my  "Excuse Aha Moment" I encourage you to have one of your own. Growth is difficult, because it stretches us, but it was great to see, that my excuses didn't really hold too much weight and I would have regretted missing that precious time with my dear friend. If you have a friend that makes excuses all the time, be a tough-love kinda friend for a minute and don't let them get away with it, they will thank you in the end and one day you may need the favor returned.

Woogie

My son Jeremiah knows his name. He is going through this phase where he only wants to be called, Jeremiah, or as he says, Weramiah. I say to him, " Hi baby!" and he says, No, Weramiah. I call him a woogie woogie, when he's doing something sneaky and he says, No, woogie, woogie...Weramiah. Somtimes, he agrees with me, that he's still my baby,and other times, he's just Weramiah.

I think it's so cute that he is taking ownership of his name. He's too young to take ownership of being a woogie, woogie, but he knows that he's acting out, when I tell him he's being a woogie, he even gets mad sometimes, and other times, he thinks it's funny.

I'm into thinking a little deeper these days. And, I think pretty much every moment of the day, we have an opportunity to grow a little more, learn a little more, change a little more. I started thinking about my name, or the names I have allowed myself to be called. When someone, or myself calls me by a name other than my own, I don't usually respond and say, No. My name is Charissa.

Too many times, I have answered to a name that didn't speak truth about me, or it spoke truth but only in a way to condemn me. We all have struggles, we all have to take ownership of the truth about ourselves, even when it doesn't feel good. I guess the difference is, there's truth about ourselves, that when revealed, can bring humility, repentance and growth, and there's truth's that are meant just to destroy us, because they are mixed with lies, but we don't know the difference. This is when we need to know our name, this is when we need to say, No, woogie woogie, my name is Charisssa! My name is forgiven, my name is overcomer, my name is...this is where we need the confidence of a two year old.

I am more aware of lies, lies from the world, the devil, myself, and others than I ever have been. It's so easy to slip into old identity's, ones that we have given up, or thrown away, or asked God to deal and heal. What do I really know about myself? Do I know enough to have a come back like my two year old son, and say who I am? When the urge to pretend I have control, comes in the form eating junk food, can I call myself a woogie, woogie and eat anyway, or can I say, " Charissa you are not on overeater anymore," don't give in to the false sense of control. When I hurt someone and they confront me, can I take ownership and apologize, knowing that my mistake doesn't define me, but how I respond will definetely leave an impact.

I'm just thinking about how we change and how easy it is to be labled even when the contents have changed. Have you ever had a nice jar full of jam or peanut butter, and when the jar was empty you washed it out and filled it with something else, but the label of what used to be in there was still on the outside? I think that's how life is, we are constantly changing, we get makeovers and new things spring up inside, old wounds are healed and sometimes new ones take their place.

However, the label that says " jam" or "peanut butter" is still on the outside, even though the contents have changed. And it takes a keen eye, and an opening of self for other's to see that what you see is not what you get. Often times, we want people to just automatically notice our change, but if you see a jar in the cupboard with a peanut butter label, unless you open the jar and look inside, you will never know it's not peanut butter.

I know it's important to be open, and share ourlives with one another. In this way, we can share our stories of transformation, growth, deliverance, healing. We can share laughter, hope and love, but only if we open up and recongize our name, and take ownership of our wooginess.