Finding the Perfect and the Beautiful

     At the end of September, I attended a women's retreat. I had a great time. I was able to connect with old friends and make deeper connections with the friends I had come with.  The speaker was a woman by the name of Judy Howard Peterson. She was an amazing speaker. She spoke with humor and passion. She shared about her life and some of the struggles she had gone through. One major struggle in her life was a series of miscarriages, about ten total. She talked about struggling with God and her journey through the trying times. The message from her "mess" that she shared with us was, to look for the "Perfect and the Beautiful", that in everything look for the perfect and the beautiful. It seems like it would be hard to find those two things in the midst of such grief and loss, but she did. At the retreat she gave each one of us a copy of the mini footprints, of one of her babies that she lost. Those footprints were so precious, perfect and beautiful.
     Her courage to look at something so painful and find something so beautiful really has encouraged me in my everyday life. I often miss the perfect and the beautiful. This past weekend, I finally was able to get into my yard and tackle the madness that the front lawn had become. I finally got the parts to fix our electric lawn mower. I finally borrowed my dad's electric hedge trimmer, I was ready. The sun was out and it was a perfect day to beautify the yard. As soon as I cut one piece of lengthy ivy, I realized to my dismay, that I had also cut the extension cord. As you can imagine, I was frustrated. I went in the house, shoulders drooping to whine to Malcolm and tell him my sorrows. He thought it was funny, he said, " Oh, Charissa you got to see the humor in it," I didn't. I left to get a new extension cord. I went to the local hardware store by my house, I think it's been around since the 1940's. They were so great. I had a new extension cord in my hand, I told the guy working what had happened and he told me to bring in my old one and he would fix it, he said that I didn't need to buy a new one.
     It was a beautiful money saving surprise. I ended up working in my yard for about six hours straight. I  was like a crazy woman pulling weeds, cutting grass, raking, sweeping, you name it. It became a community event. My neighbors were coming out of their houses and when they noticed that I had one recycle bin for the mounds of  yard waste I had piled up, they offered me the use of their yard waste bins. I really enjoyed being outside with my neighbors and their willingness to offer yard waste bins was beautiful to me. I'm sure they were also thankful that I was doing something with my yard too.
    Finding  the perfect and the beautiful isn't always some grand discovery. Sometimes it's just in the small things, that we take for granted like, neighbors and community. Seeing a need and offering a helping hand. The owner of  the hardware store could have let me purchase the $20+ dollar cord, but he didn't, he spoke up, helped out and saved me about $20 dollars.
      For me finding the perfect and the beautiful is going to be about finding a reason to be thankful, rejoicing in the midst of the chaos, pain, and dissappointments of life, and always keeping one eye open to spot that flower among the weeds.

Listen

Listen, no I mean close your ears so you can really hear
shut your eyes so you can really see
listen to the beating of you own heart
listen to the air swish
listen to the spider spin its web
listen, listen
not with your ears, but with your heart
see, but not only with your eyes
if you really listen
if you really see
then you can hear the thump and rhythm
and
you can see- if you really see
the sorrows, joys and issues of the heart
of a stranger
as you pass them by
but if in passing- you see the need
let compassion guide your new sight
and live
be
give what is needed
then you will hear the ant walk
and receive the rain like a refreshing shower
while the sun still shines.

Charissa Carroll
6/1/04

Gracious Grace, poetically speaking

I've tried really hard most of my life to be perfect. They call people like me perfectionists. I have failed most of my life at being perfect. They call people like me imperfect. I don't try to be perfect anymore. I have actually been liberated from the desire. I don't think it's about perfection anyway, I used to. I believe it's about intent, the intention of our hearts. I know some people still believe that God has given us the ability to be perfect on this side, and I will have to, from experience respectfully disagree. He has given us the ability to be intentional and that with desire makes a pretty good team. I desire to honor God with my whole life. It is my daily desire and I am intentional about it. However, I also have days where I am not so intentional and my desire is sleeping. I find peace in knowing that God sees my heart, even when my actions don't always line up with my original intent. I call it grace. Below is a poem I wrote earlier this year about life, sin, and Gods Grace.

Gracious Grace

You and me, and that crook-ed tree
all meant to be straight, following the path
from the narrow gate.

She ain't supposed to be selling her body to anybody!
And he ain't supposed to be filling his veins with liquid death!
And I ain't supposed to be stressing this heart with these excess pounds of fat!
And they ain't supposed to be sexually amiss!
And he ain't supposed to be tripping as he walks down the street intoxicated!

So wait, let's see! How are we supposed to be?
He knew, He knows, He saw, He sees
that we can and do as we please
that deep down if we look around, it will be found
in our pockets, on our sleeves, on the ground, in the eaves...

It grows  with the fierceity of  Morning Glory, it's subtle
and pretty, not even thorny, it's sleek
it hides among the flowers, deceitful, it slowly grows
for hours and days, slowly creeping up windows

Because He knew, He knows, He saw, He sees
we don't have to be-
condemned by our weeds
we try to be perfect, we fail, we can't!
it's in our blood, we're natural deviants

Rebellious,, unable, sinful, impure.
The Cure?
He in his glory, sent down his son
He died on the cross
for everyone

The freedom is ours for the taking
there is no line, no ticket, no waiting
come as you are; crooked, dirty, fat, drunk, gay,
even if you sell your body everyday

On level ground, we all kneel before the Lord
He cleanses and washes lives-He restores

In perfection He loves us
in brokenness we love him back
fighting our own demons
trying to keep sin off our back

Wanting to " do right,"
leading, "doing wrong"
in humility we offer him our song

In him there  is no condemnation
His blood covers every sin-sation
and it reaches to every nation
seeps through every crack
can dismantle
the sin on our back

In the end at least on this side
we will struggle with sin and anger
with pride and lust
battle our bodies and minds
aim for peace and be way behind

So if you are without sin
cast at me the first stone
and then cast one at yourself
and it will be plain to see
we all walk around scratched and dirty

But.....
because of

G ods
R eedeming
A ttitude
C easeless
E ternal
we will not be consumed by the inferno
His blood is enough
No additives necessary

So in imperfection, and brokenness we serve our God
In humility, in love
we bring him our junk
and our funk
and He loads it
on a truck
and drives away to the dump, deep as the sea
Bumper sticker proclaiming : You are Free!

By Gods gracious grace we can stand
and be.. truly imperfect and wholly redeemed.

Charissa Carroll 2010

Just breathe....

I am a mother. I love being a mother most of the time. Honestly though, I struggle with the time commitment. I like to have alone time on a daily basis. My brain is easily overwhelmed. I don't enjoy being in a large crowd. I prefer one on one conversations as opposed to large group interactions. I like to "zone out" and not have to think about anything. I have struggled with balancing my needs and the needs of my children. I have often asked God if  I was really cut out for this mothering thing. I feel so selfish with my own neediness of self. I know that God cut me out for this even though I am overwhelmed at times. I am kind of in that place again, with being in school and my involvement in other activities and my home responsibilities. It all feels like a bit much. I was looking through some of my poetry from earlier this year and found a poem I had written about this very issue. It was good to read again, it centered me and reminded me about what was really important. I know taking care of myself is also important, and I am working on that. I think just like other intense times in life, it's usually seasonal.

Honestly


Please tell me that you struggle too
You've woken up unable and blue
With worries deep as the sea
Wondering, "What will become of me?"

Unfocused in my youth
Too social, to tell the truth
Couldn't see the future clear
A deep canyon from here to there
Wasted time, wasted space
I wasn't sure how the world was laced

Grown up now- wondering how
To redeem the time wasted
Don't want the past duplicated
Three kids in tow, a husband too
Should be happy, feeling blue

Unfocused, with sleepless nights
and sibling fights
and cooking dinner, grocery shopping
and paying bills
mounting up like the hills
just want that education
Going slowly, class by class
Ten years down the looking glass-
that seems lost in the canyon of time

I have a dime, need to make a dollar
Makes me wanna holler!
I want to stand upright, screw my head on tight
Get a restful night and be- free
But, " what will become of me?"
What do my kids see?
I want to be available, and capable
to love, give and sit and play
give thanks and pray

I open the jar that holds my dreams
I hear the wind, it's silent screams
I see the reflection in the mirror
new lines have appeared that were never there

What will become of me?
Not old, only thirty-three
Ungrateful I have been
Not able to see
The beauty of life
been blinded by strife

I shake my dreams from the jar
and hold them in my hands
I call my children
"kids," I say
There's a game I'd like to play
"What is it?" they shout out  with glee
It's called, "I'm so glad to have you!"
They look at me strange, confused and confounded
but that's okay
because now I'm grounded
and with a new understanding, now I see
three dreams surrounding me.

Charissa Carroll 1/30/10

Gonna have to push

Got quittin' in my bones
Angst in my soul
Know I got to push myself to places I ain't been known to go
Feeling the weightiness of struggle
the darkness of doubt
My mind is shut, my heart is hurt, I want a way out
Will I push this time?
Or will I quit?
I'm known to say " the hell with it"
It's a mental quit, justifiably excusable
slightly real and partly truesical
Am I gonna push?
I don't wanna!
I want to go- sit in a sauna
and let the heat warm my soul
cause I'm feeling cold and out of control
I need to fight this lie- that's clinging
It's sounding true- in my ear ringing
I know it's false, but it's a way out
I won't have to push, just listen to the doubt
What if I don't give up?
I don't feel I'm able
the cards are stacked
against me on the table
My hubby says to" push"
don't suffocate this life
fight Charissa! Fight, don't give in to the lie!
but honestly I want to, cause it's easier that way
no push, no effort, no new day
It's funny this feeling- when you feel so small
and the world seems so grand
and you struggle to walk, struggle to stand.

     I quit when things get difficult. Not all things, but a  lot. I make great excuses and they sound very reasonable and most of the time I can get people to agree and then I feel like I did the right thing. I know the truth though. I'm lying to myself ,but when I do it feels safer than pushing through and asking myself the real reason behind my giving up. I feel too old sometimes to be going back to school. I feel like I am just starting my life, when I should have ( there go those should have's again) done this stuff a long time ago. I know I don't have to go there, but this is one of the lies that taunts me when I'm feeling weak and vulnerable and honestly stupid. In the last few years, I have for the first time really felt smart. Completing my certificate in Nutrition really helped me. I did very well in the course and scored high on my tests. I remember feeling smart and it was a new feeling, a good feeling. I have been back in school now again for a while and that feeling was still strong and it motivated me to press on and work towards my BA in Social Work.
    I am currently in an Elementary Algebra class. I never did well in Algebra in High school. I either failed the class or barely passed with a D. I tried too, really hard, but I just never got it. Here I am age 34 back in High school algebra at the community college. I am doing horribly. I feel very stupid. Smart girl has been replaced. I took a test last week and got the score today (54%). I didn't pass. I feel like I did in high school and it feels miserable. The rest of the classes I need to take to finish this transfer degree are all math and science courses. I realize I'm gonna have to push to succeed, but I usually don't push. I make a great excuse and quit. I want to quit. I don't want to quit.Quitting takes away the feeling of stupidity, but it also takes away the joy of accomplishing. If I push, I will need to ask for help. I really don't like asking for help. I don't want to need help. And I typically don't ask for something that I can't reciprocate on. What will I give to someone who helps me? What will they want from me? My husband says they will want me to succeed and not everyone expects something for something. Some people just like to give. I will admit I'm struggling. I'm sharing all of this today as a way for me to be accountable. I want to quit, but I know if I don't push this time, it will just get easier and easier to not push the next time and the time after that. I do stand in this world small,and regarding algebra I am weak.Pushing this time is going to be a group effort and as hard as it is I'm thankful that I can ask for help and know many are willing. This is my year of new things, and new things usually come at a price.

Understanding my "why?"

     In my effort to bring about some healthy changes in my life, I have been trying to become more in tune with the " why" of what I am doing as well as trying to better understand the "why" of my emotional responses to things. I guess I can classify myself as one of those people who have high expectations of myself and others. I want life to be easy and things to always work out. I think at times we all want that. I do know however, that  those are not realistic expectations. It took me quite a long time to come to this realization. And before I saw the light, I would say I was pretty unhappy, because I was disappointed most of the time. I see the light now, of course not fully because this life is about new discovery everyday. I wish I could say I never get disappointed anymore and I never judge and I'm perpetually happy, but that wouldn't be true, and I promised to keep this blog honest, so I will stick to the truth, even if  I tell on myself a little.
      I want to be loved. I am loved. However, sometimes I don't feel it from the people I think I need it from the most. I don't love like I ought to, at times I hold back. So, this questioning of  myself has been quite rewarding, emotional and I think the start of a much needed internal renovation.
      I had a conversation the other day with someone and I kept thinking about what we talked about. The "subject" wasn't the issue, it was " how" I was talking. I was talking in a way to try and prove something about myself. The person I was talking to wasn't even aware of this, but reflecting on my own tone and words, I realized I had an insecurity in that relationship and I was reacting to it, unbeknownst to me at the time and unbeknownst to the person I was talking to.
      I asked myself "why", and then began to piece together the reason, then I was able to go to God and ask for some help and healing in that area of my life. The same rule applies to emotional eating for me. I thank God, it is far, far less than it used to be and I am begining to see it as a thing of my past, but when it rears it's greedy head, I need to be prepared to ask it "why are you here?" I need to be honest with myself and admit that I am not about to eat a snickers bar because as the commercial says, "it satisfies,"  I'm about to eat a snickers because I want to stuff the situation that just happened, the feeling of anger that's rising up in me, or the hopelessness I feel and the voice of doubt that tells me I will never change. Those are the truths I have to face if I am going to have that internal renovation I so desire. The amazing thing is the willingness to be honest with myself brings about the most amazing internal healing, one "why" at a time.

Below is a poem I wrote back in 2006, but it feels appropriate for me today. I need to constantly remind myself, that I can't live, breathe or even have to strength to ask myself hard questions without God. His love sustains me and gives me the freedom to examine myself with no fear, because all  the"dirt" that I discover inside, is what God will use to create some beautiful piece of art in my soul. I know He already knows, what I am only  beginning to discovering.

 You Are

Jesus, I know you walk, talk, sing and breathe today
I know you are gentle and fierce
Loud and calm
I know you know what you know
I know you know who you know
I know you will always be
I know you love me
Speak to me
Carry me
Give me life and speech
I know your hands formed this mud
I am yours
Lord of Glory, how I love thee
Lord of Mercy, how I need thee
Lord of Passion, how I seek thee
Lord of Justice, how I see thee
Lord of Glory
Lord of Hope
Lord of Trials
Lord of All

Charissa Carroll

Intentionally intentional

Intentional- done with purpose, with intent.
The following is a poem I wrote to myself on my 30th Birthday;
Leaves turn colors
Pancakes burn
Kindergarteners  are eager to learn
What happens when a girl turns thirty?
When the flirting is over
And the ring is on
The babies are born
And the dawn has come
What happens when a girl turns thirty?

Everyone told me that turning thirty was a major turning point in a woman's life. They told me that I would see the world differently, my opinions about certain things would change, and as by some sweep of a magic wand, I would be all the wiser. I do believe it was a major turning point in my life in a lot of ways, but it wasn't magic, and it wasn't always graceful. I am thirty-four now and I think I spent the first three years of being thirty pretty dissatisfied and angry with life. I felt like such a loser. I compared myself with too many people. Feeling inadequate because in all my years of schooling, I still only had one Associates Degree and a Certificate in Nutrition. What had I been doing all those years? Why hadn't I done more? Why was I still trying to lose weight? I had a certificate in Nutrition and still I couldn't figure it all out, but I tried. I have been trying for a long time. I have done counseling, and I have been in school for a lot of years, I just didn't have a real focus. I have done lots of  diets too. However, looking back I realize, I wasn't a loser and I didn't and still don't need to compare myself to others. A friend of mine recently posted on my FB page that she wishes she had my gift of writing and poetry. I responded that I wish I had her gift of service and humility. We all have gifts and they are meant for sharing and encouraging and sometimes surrendering, so they can be given back to us and used for a different purpose, or sometimes with a better attitude. I realized that over the years I may not have done everything I wanted or thought I should have. I am still working on my Bachelors degree and I could have had my Masters by now, but that really doesn't matter. The real question for the present is,  Am I living an intentionally intentional life now? Am I still snoozing, and making excuses? Am I still scared to step out in faith? I am scared at times and the occassional snooze is going to happen, but I am focused in a new way. Turning thirty  did change me, the previous years of experience have provided me stepping stones on the path to my intentional life. The past is what it was, today examine your steps, if you don't know where to go ask God, he has already marked your path.

Is my life one big snooze?

To snooze or not to snooze that is the question. I usually wake up at 5 am hit snooze, go back to sleep, wake up again at 5:30  hit snooze about three more times and finally get out of bed at 5:45 am. The other day I repeated this cycle past my usual 5:45 am and went all the way until about 6:15 am. At that point I would not make the bus to school, so I dismissed the alarm altogether.  I use my cell phone as my alarm and it has the repetitive snooze button that will go off every five minutes until you dismiss it. It makes me wonder, how useful this type of alarm really is. I mean I can follow it's prompting and wake up at the set time or I can keep on, forever it seems pushing the snooze button, and if that isn't enough I can dismiss the alarm altogether. I usually succumb to the bleep of the alarm and refuse to push the snooze button when I feel the fear. You know that feeling of, " Oh No!" that instantly rouses you from your smooth warm sheets and into the cold atmosphere outside your bedroom ( it's cold because you only heat your room at night to save on the heating bill) and into the " I gotta make it on time" mode. So this snooze button made me think about my life. How many times have I pushed snooze when I should have woken up? Where in my life am I still pushing the snooze button, and where have I dismissed the alarm altogether? I know that for a long time I pushed the snooze button on my weight issues. The diet was dismissed every weekend and the alarm set for Monday, only to push snooze when I was offered cake or, was just so hungry I had to eat the bag of  Dorito's. The snooze button became a regular fixture in my life. It was easier to pretend I was asleep than wake up to the reality that I had a problem that wasn't going to be a quick fix. So here I am painfully aware of my excuses and willing to face them one snooze button at a time.

New things

I'm ready to try new things. Step out of my comfort zone. After all I have been an adult for quite some time now. I think blogging will be good for my soul. I will keep it honest and kind. Those are my two goals. My friends encouraged me to do this, and I think it will help me set my voice free. I have been afraid, ashamed even at times to speak the truth. I want to be honest, so no more excuses for me. I'm tired of limiting myself because of my fears, yet even though I am tired of giving into my fears, I can't always see how to stop the cycle. I'm on a weight loss journey. It's a journey because I have an destination in mind. I'm not aiming for a perfect body, I don't think those existed since Adam and Eve. My end goal really doesn't have a  whole lot to do with my physical image to tell you the truth. I want to be content with myself. I want to know who I am and be willing to stretch the limits of who I can be. Okay well I have made my first official entry. This feels good. This is me trying new things.