I don't know why it seems so hard to pray. I have a few guesses, but I'm sure there are a lot of reasons. I think I sometimes avoid praying because, I'm afraid that God will require too much from me. What if I go into my room and plan on praying for five minutes and then a bunch of people come to mind and I begin to pray for them, and then things come to mind about myself and I have to face them, and then before I know it, hours have passed, and all I've done all day is pray. Would that really be such a bad thing Charissa?
I think the fear of praying beyond, a blessing at the dinner table, or a quick, help me Jesus, is really, at least for me and issue of intimacy. It's beautiful and scary in some ways to be close to God. He sees all things, knows all things, hears all things. He already knows what's on my heart before I pray it. Then why does he need me to pray? Why can't he just read my mind? I know when I hear myself pray, it reminds me of my brokenness, my pain, my joys, my needs. When I pray, I take ownership of my stuff and then I am able to ask God to heal me, help me, encourage me.
I pray all the time during the day, little shout outs to God, about this or about that. I pray before meals and when I'm stressed or struggling. These are my little one liners to God, these are my tweets to God. The thing about only tweeting God, is it's pretty shallow. Most people don't tweet their whole life story, they just give little blurps to the world.
I guess tweets are fine and good, for people you don't know or those whom you only associate with on a tweeting level. However, God is not just someone that I want to tweet. He needs my blog, he needs more of what's going on in my soul, not just where I am, or how I feel, or what I just ate.
Today, I wanted to be more intentional about conversing with God. I realize tweeting God is okay, but it's not enough. God is an intimate God, he wants relationship. He has things to share with us, and desires to put on our hearts.He has blessings and healing and deliverance, strength, encouragement and so much more.
I know, I need to allow God more space in my life. I want him to be active in my life, but I don't think the proof is always there. Today, I decided that my tweeting life with God, needed to go a step further. I know that I don't need to be afraid, that God is going to take all my time. That fear showed me, that I really needed to spend some alone time with God, because I needed to work through the barriers that kept me from fully opening myself up to God in prayer.
My husband and kids were all home, and I knew that if my kids saw me leave the room they would come find me, so I snuck back to my room, kept all the lights off, knelt on the floor and put the blankets over my head, this way when Jeremiah, my 2 1/2 year old came to find me, he wouldn't see me and distract me. I decided a good way to break the ice and deal with my fear was to pray the A.C.T.S.
A is for Adoration it was good to just honestly sit and think over my life and praise God for who he is. I used to just say all the things, that I thought I was supposed to believe about God, but this time, I searched my heart and used words that were true and real to my experience with God, and it was different and good this time.
C is for Confession I again searched my heart and things began to come to mind, some things about myself, that I didn't really want to think about, but C is for Confession, so I confessed them and there was peace and forgiveness.
T is for Thanksgiving, I thought about how God is so cool and a great listener, and how even as I sat there, he was there, he wasn't making me feel guilty about only tweeting him the last few months, he was accepting and open and forgiving and present. It was so good to feel and know that I can always come before God, regardless. I needed that reminder.
S is for Supplication, it's interesting after all of the above, it isn't hard to end with supplication. I need a lot of things from God. This was a time of being honest about my needs and fears and concerns for others. It was a great time of listening to my heart and verbalizing it to God. When we hear ourselves pray and ask God for what we need, an expectation is then created and that encourages faith and God is pleased by our faith. He's a good God, he knows how to give good gifts, and I 'm not talking about material things here, although God provides our daily needs too.
My time of prayer only lasted about 15 minutes( Wow, God didn't drug me and make me pray for hours (lol), I guess those fears were unfounded. I'm sure when people pray for a long time, they want to, and enjoy being in the presence of God, it isn't burdensome.) This time of prayer for me was perfect and refreshing, it made my day worthwhile. I have experienced long prayer times and they are refreshing and life giving as well. I'm open God, to your time.
We don't have to clock hours with God, but it makes sense to, if we want to know him and know ourselves better. I don't feel afraid anymore. My desire is to do this daily. I need it. I need God. Spending time with him, where I can share my heart and listen to his, is what is going to hold this woman together, God give my life it's ultimate purpose.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Outside Hospitality Packs assembled...
I decided I could afford to do something. So, here are my first O.H. packs. They are simple for now. Each one is in a ziplock bag, and on the outside, I wrote, "God Bless you!" the contents are; bottled water, Jack's links beef stick, crackers w/peanut butter, a granola bar and $2.50. I figured you need at least $2.50 to buy something decent to eat with all the new taxes on food. My goal is to make 10 of these a month.
Each month I will vary the contents, in December I would like to put in some gloves, tissue, maybe I will bake some cookies. My goal is to be, "ready to give," I know that I need a plan. I'm not saying I will never give anything besides these, but this is where I can start. This is my way of handling strangers who approach me for change and things. I want to give. I care about these people. I want them to know someone cares. I pray they sense God's love for them. Maybe I will include some resources for shelters, churches etc. too.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Because of who you are...
I threw a fit the other day. I'm glad I was alone in the dark car, because if anyone saw me, I'm sure they would have been wondering what was wrong with me. This week has been long and I have studied math more in the last few weeks than I have my entire life. I am really trying to do everything that I can to pass my math class.
I received a call the other day from a friend, and she was sharing some things that God had put on her heart. She really encouraged me by what she was sharing. She was talking about how, everyday we have a new opportunity to praise God. Each and every day God's grace and mercy are new for us. When we go through hard times, we need to remember it's not all about us. We need to stay focused and praise God daily.
I agreed with her and we talked a little more then we got off the phone. The next day I was coming home from getting some math help from a friend. My kids had been home all day, because they were sick. I was trying to hurry back home, so my husband could leave and do what he needed to do. I decided to stop by the store to pick up a roasted chicken, to make dinner easy. I ran in and went through the self-checkout. After I had rung my items up, I realized that I didn't have my wallet. I was frustrated, because I wanted something easy for dinner, and I was hungry and tired.
I looked in my purse and pulled out my checkbook. I wrote the check and was feeling relieved until the cashier asked for my license, I thought I wouldn't need it at the self-checkout. I was wrong. She wouldn't take my check and I was frustrated again. I ran out in the cold rain to my car. I got in, turned the key and guess what ? My car wouldn't start. I tried a few more times and it still wouldn't start. I was even more frustrated. I was wondering , why is this happening? I'm tired. I''m hungry. My husband is waiting for me to come home. I have homework to do. I 'm cold. I just don't need this. I hate this car.... I was thinking a lot of things, and none of them were joyful.
I called my dad, cause he knows what to do in situations like these. However, the solution he gave me, was not what I was expecting to hear. He said, " Praise God Charissa." I said, " why?" He said, " just take a few deep breaths, calm down and give God some praise." I told him, that I didn't want to praise God right now, I just wanted my car to start, plus why would I praise God for this. I was talking to him and telling him how much I didn't need this to be happening right now. He told me to just do what he said and my car would start, he was kind of laughing at me, because I was so frustrated by his suggestion. He told me to call him after I praised God.
I hung up the phone and was not very happy. I told God, that I thought it was ridiculous to praise him for my car being broke down in the parking lot of Alberston's on this cold rainy night. I told God what my plans were and how this was ruining them. I told God, how tired and hungry and annoyed I was. I was stomping my feet as I was talking to God and wiggling my body in irritation, this was my fit. I was mad my dad told me to do this. I love God, I praise him, but not for things like this.
As I was having my temper tantrum with God, I felt myself relax a little. I knew there was truth to what my dad was saying, but it just seemed so out of place. What was there to praise God for right now? I continued to tell God, almost sarcastically why I wasn't going to praise him right now. I told him that I wasn't thankful that my car broke down or that I was cold etc...That lasted for about five minutes. I then was more calm and I started telling God what I loved about him, just a few words and I told him that I couldn't praise him for my broke down car, but I would praise him that he even though my car wasn't working, didn't change the fact that he was still reliable, and I thanked him that my situation didn't change his love for me. I thanked him, that he was still faithful even though I was struggling.
I then tried to start my car, my dad said that if I took some deep breaths and praised God, that my car would start. It didn't start. I called my dad and said, " there I did what you said, and my car didn't start!" he said, " praise God some more." We got off the phone. It hit me then, that I still had an attitude and I wanted God to be a genie for me. I wanted him to be instant and under my control. I wanted him to be convenient. I told God all these things. I confessed my desire for him to be a quick fix and I confessed how rebellious I felt towards him. I told God, that I was ashamed of how hard it was for me to praise him, when I didn't feel like it, when I didn't feel he was worthy of any praise, because he put me in this inconvenient situation.
Wow! was what I was thinking as I heard myself talking to God. I am pretty shallow here, I thought. I only praise God when things are easy. I don't think I love God as much as I trick myself into thinking I do. I began to give God some real praise, truth from my heart, not just words. I sang a few worship songs and felt a great peace. I turned the ignition and the car started. I called my dad, and he was not surprised. I drove home.
I am so thankful that God cares enough about me, loves me enough to teach me hard lessons. I really believe that God set that situation up. He needed my attention, and I have been so busy. He got my attention and I was humbled. That time in the car has changed me, and I know it's just the start. I have a lot more lessons to learn. I am so grateful that my God is willing to go there with me and show me my deficits, while still loving me and showing me his grace and mercy.
I realize I need to praise God, because of who HE is, not based on how I'm feeling or what's going on in the atmosphere, but because He doesn't change based on the atmosphere. He is faithful, steadfast, holy, patient, caring, loving and a bunch more things. So, I praise him because he is always who he is, regardless of what may be going on in my little world.
I received a call the other day from a friend, and she was sharing some things that God had put on her heart. She really encouraged me by what she was sharing. She was talking about how, everyday we have a new opportunity to praise God. Each and every day God's grace and mercy are new for us. When we go through hard times, we need to remember it's not all about us. We need to stay focused and praise God daily.
I agreed with her and we talked a little more then we got off the phone. The next day I was coming home from getting some math help from a friend. My kids had been home all day, because they were sick. I was trying to hurry back home, so my husband could leave and do what he needed to do. I decided to stop by the store to pick up a roasted chicken, to make dinner easy. I ran in and went through the self-checkout. After I had rung my items up, I realized that I didn't have my wallet. I was frustrated, because I wanted something easy for dinner, and I was hungry and tired.
I looked in my purse and pulled out my checkbook. I wrote the check and was feeling relieved until the cashier asked for my license, I thought I wouldn't need it at the self-checkout. I was wrong. She wouldn't take my check and I was frustrated again. I ran out in the cold rain to my car. I got in, turned the key and guess what ? My car wouldn't start. I tried a few more times and it still wouldn't start. I was even more frustrated. I was wondering , why is this happening? I'm tired. I''m hungry. My husband is waiting for me to come home. I have homework to do. I 'm cold. I just don't need this. I hate this car.... I was thinking a lot of things, and none of them were joyful.
I called my dad, cause he knows what to do in situations like these. However, the solution he gave me, was not what I was expecting to hear. He said, " Praise God Charissa." I said, " why?" He said, " just take a few deep breaths, calm down and give God some praise." I told him, that I didn't want to praise God right now, I just wanted my car to start, plus why would I praise God for this. I was talking to him and telling him how much I didn't need this to be happening right now. He told me to just do what he said and my car would start, he was kind of laughing at me, because I was so frustrated by his suggestion. He told me to call him after I praised God.
I hung up the phone and was not very happy. I told God, that I thought it was ridiculous to praise him for my car being broke down in the parking lot of Alberston's on this cold rainy night. I told God what my plans were and how this was ruining them. I told God, how tired and hungry and annoyed I was. I was stomping my feet as I was talking to God and wiggling my body in irritation, this was my fit. I was mad my dad told me to do this. I love God, I praise him, but not for things like this.
As I was having my temper tantrum with God, I felt myself relax a little. I knew there was truth to what my dad was saying, but it just seemed so out of place. What was there to praise God for right now? I continued to tell God, almost sarcastically why I wasn't going to praise him right now. I told him that I wasn't thankful that my car broke down or that I was cold etc...That lasted for about five minutes. I then was more calm and I started telling God what I loved about him, just a few words and I told him that I couldn't praise him for my broke down car, but I would praise him that he even though my car wasn't working, didn't change the fact that he was still reliable, and I thanked him that my situation didn't change his love for me. I thanked him, that he was still faithful even though I was struggling.
I then tried to start my car, my dad said that if I took some deep breaths and praised God, that my car would start. It didn't start. I called my dad and said, " there I did what you said, and my car didn't start!" he said, " praise God some more." We got off the phone. It hit me then, that I still had an attitude and I wanted God to be a genie for me. I wanted him to be instant and under my control. I wanted him to be convenient. I told God all these things. I confessed my desire for him to be a quick fix and I confessed how rebellious I felt towards him. I told God, that I was ashamed of how hard it was for me to praise him, when I didn't feel like it, when I didn't feel he was worthy of any praise, because he put me in this inconvenient situation.
Wow! was what I was thinking as I heard myself talking to God. I am pretty shallow here, I thought. I only praise God when things are easy. I don't think I love God as much as I trick myself into thinking I do. I began to give God some real praise, truth from my heart, not just words. I sang a few worship songs and felt a great peace. I turned the ignition and the car started. I called my dad, and he was not surprised. I drove home.
I am so thankful that God cares enough about me, loves me enough to teach me hard lessons. I really believe that God set that situation up. He needed my attention, and I have been so busy. He got my attention and I was humbled. That time in the car has changed me, and I know it's just the start. I have a lot more lessons to learn. I am so grateful that my God is willing to go there with me and show me my deficits, while still loving me and showing me his grace and mercy.
I realize I need to praise God, because of who HE is, not based on how I'm feeling or what's going on in the atmosphere, but because He doesn't change based on the atmosphere. He is faithful, steadfast, holy, patient, caring, loving and a bunch more things. So, I praise him because he is always who he is, regardless of what may be going on in my little world.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
NAACP | Help Free the Scott Sisters
NAACP | Help Free the Scott Sisters
I encourage everyone to have a hand in justice. Now is the time to make a difference. All it takes is you signing your name and maybe, by the grace of God, these two women will be made free. Put your power to a good cause, imagine if this were you. Lord have mercy!
Please click on the link, to participate. This is a matter of life and death.
Please click on the link, to participate. This is a matter of life and death.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Clouds and The Rat
The weather has been something else these last few days. The wind was quite a mess last night. I'm thankful, my power didn't go out. I love the sound of the wind. I'm so tired tonight. I will have to keep this entry super simple. Here are some poems I wrote just for fun, I think it was a quick poem writing contest with my little brother and sister and nephew a while back.
The Clouds
Full of rain and sun
and cats and dogs
and flies and frogs
my clouds
your clouds
so loud
shouting thunder
I'm down under my covers
so scared
but it's alright
the clouds have left for the night
Charissa Carroll 2009
Slick Rat
So slick, dirty
fat, greasy
catching you
never easy
so fast and ugly
so freaking fugly
come to me please
I have cheddar cheese
come slick fat rat
I wait...
tit tat
I got the rat
how's that!
Charissa Carroll 2009
The Clouds
Full of rain and sun
and cats and dogs
and flies and frogs
my clouds
your clouds
so loud
shouting thunder
I'm down under my covers
so scared
but it's alright
the clouds have left for the night
Charissa Carroll 2009
Slick Rat
So slick, dirty
fat, greasy
catching you
never easy
so fast and ugly
so freaking fugly
come to me please
I have cheddar cheese
come slick fat rat
I wait...
tit tat
I got the rat
how's that!
Charissa Carroll 2009
Monday, November 15, 2010
Lessons in Living ( Gonna have to Push part 2)
I have learned a lot about myself in the last two months. More than I had really hoped to learn, and harder than I had hoped it would be taught. I have always known that I don't like to ask for help, I have tried to avoid needing help most of my life. That isn't to say I haven't received help or that I haven't needed it, I just have tried my best to not ask hoping the need would just goes away all on it's own, or somehow get resolved without help.
I have a lot of deficits. I'm seeing them more and more these days. A few months back, I decided that I was going to say, " yes Lord," to God every morning. I wanted to say "yes," to God's will for my life on a daily basis and "yes," to being obedient and "yes," to all the fun things of living. I hadn't planed on my "yes Lord," being taken so seriously by God. He took it seriously and I didn't really recognize his hand in all of what I call, " my madness," until my friend who has been tutoring me in math, said to me, that she really thinks that God is doing something in all of my struggles with math.
Surprisingly and really not surprisingly at all, God was and is at work in all of my math mess. I have had to honestly look at myself and my efforts, and determine if I really was doing all that I could to succeed. The answer, the honest answer was a big fat NO! I was stuck and didn't know how to figure the problems out. I was hoping that without studying or asking for help that I would just wake up one morning and it would all be clear to me. I woke up morning after morning and well, it didn't become clear. What did become clear to me, was that I was struggling and the need was beyond me.
My husband kept encouraging me to ask for help. I told him that I would, but then I wouldn't call the people I knew would help me. I didn't want to burden them with my problems, they were busy themselves, what if they couldn't help me? I didn't want to waste their time. What would I give them in return? What if I needed too much? These were all of my excuses.
I usually give up when things get too tough, but I also don't usually start things that I can't do on my own. I was confident when I signed up for my current math class, I had gotten A's in the last two math classes, I figured I would be able to do this new class just as easily.
I didn't know what to do with myself when it got hard. I wasn't prepared for it to be difficult. I want things to be easy. I like being in control. I like people needing me, more than me needing them. I felt like I was in crisis. I felt overwhelmed. I felt too needy, and I didn't like the feeling at all, but the truth was... I was needy and I am needy. I have been trying to fool myself all these years into believing that I am not needy. I can do things all by myself. I think subconsciously I believed that if I couldn't do it alone, for myself , then maybe it wasn't worth doing.
God has opened my eyes these last few months. He has shown me that I can't do everything by myself, I was never meant to. He has shown me that he can handle my neediness. I don't know if I am going to pass this class in the end. I do know however, that I can truly say from this point on that I am going to really do everything that I can to try and pass. I have been asking for help and it's been very rewarding. The connections are being made in my brain, and I'm understanding things in math, that never made sense before. I feel smart for the first time in a long time, even though I have failed three math tests. I feel changed and excited about trying new things, but most of all I feel liberated from the pressure I had been putting on myself. The pressure to be capable all by myself. I'm not. I'm not supposed to be.
I shouldn't, but I do still get surprised how involved God is in our daily lives. He cares about the little things, just as much as the Big things. He's known this whole time that I was going to need to learn to ask for help, learn to trust a little more, and believe that He could handle my neediness. I am more aware than ever before, that we need God, we need each other and that this journey through life is not meant to be traveled alone. I see in a clearer way that I can trust God even more and that he won't fail me. I don't have to give up when things get beyond me, I have to give up the lie that tells me, that I have to handle it all myself.
I have a lot of deficits. I'm seeing them more and more these days. A few months back, I decided that I was going to say, " yes Lord," to God every morning. I wanted to say "yes," to God's will for my life on a daily basis and "yes," to being obedient and "yes," to all the fun things of living. I hadn't planed on my "yes Lord," being taken so seriously by God. He took it seriously and I didn't really recognize his hand in all of what I call, " my madness," until my friend who has been tutoring me in math, said to me, that she really thinks that God is doing something in all of my struggles with math.
Surprisingly and really not surprisingly at all, God was and is at work in all of my math mess. I have had to honestly look at myself and my efforts, and determine if I really was doing all that I could to succeed. The answer, the honest answer was a big fat NO! I was stuck and didn't know how to figure the problems out. I was hoping that without studying or asking for help that I would just wake up one morning and it would all be clear to me. I woke up morning after morning and well, it didn't become clear. What did become clear to me, was that I was struggling and the need was beyond me.
My husband kept encouraging me to ask for help. I told him that I would, but then I wouldn't call the people I knew would help me. I didn't want to burden them with my problems, they were busy themselves, what if they couldn't help me? I didn't want to waste their time. What would I give them in return? What if I needed too much? These were all of my excuses.
I usually give up when things get too tough, but I also don't usually start things that I can't do on my own. I was confident when I signed up for my current math class, I had gotten A's in the last two math classes, I figured I would be able to do this new class just as easily.
I didn't know what to do with myself when it got hard. I wasn't prepared for it to be difficult. I want things to be easy. I like being in control. I like people needing me, more than me needing them. I felt like I was in crisis. I felt overwhelmed. I felt too needy, and I didn't like the feeling at all, but the truth was... I was needy and I am needy. I have been trying to fool myself all these years into believing that I am not needy. I can do things all by myself. I think subconsciously I believed that if I couldn't do it alone, for myself , then maybe it wasn't worth doing.
God has opened my eyes these last few months. He has shown me that I can't do everything by myself, I was never meant to. He has shown me that he can handle my neediness. I don't know if I am going to pass this class in the end. I do know however, that I can truly say from this point on that I am going to really do everything that I can to try and pass. I have been asking for help and it's been very rewarding. The connections are being made in my brain, and I'm understanding things in math, that never made sense before. I feel smart for the first time in a long time, even though I have failed three math tests. I feel changed and excited about trying new things, but most of all I feel liberated from the pressure I had been putting on myself. The pressure to be capable all by myself. I'm not. I'm not supposed to be.
I shouldn't, but I do still get surprised how involved God is in our daily lives. He cares about the little things, just as much as the Big things. He's known this whole time that I was going to need to learn to ask for help, learn to trust a little more, and believe that He could handle my neediness. I am more aware than ever before, that we need God, we need each other and that this journey through life is not meant to be traveled alone. I see in a clearer way that I can trust God even more and that he won't fail me. I don't have to give up when things get beyond me, I have to give up the lie that tells me, that I have to handle it all myself.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wicked, Wonderful Words!
I'm not one of those people who believes, that I can speak my destiny into reality, but at the same time I am. Only in the sense that what I think and say about myself does become my reality. What I think I can do, I do. What I think is impossible, becomes impossible to me, not because I couldn't do it, but because I never tried. I know from years of experience that my own thoughts have power, for good and for bad. The Bible says that life and death are in the power of the tongue.
I wrote the poem below back in August of 2006, I don't remember what motivated it other than my own thoughts around the power of words. Words do become our actions. We have all read stories, or have our own of being unable to move forward, or make change, or even believe we were smart or capable, based on what was or wasn't said to us.
I again, want to be more conscious of how I speak to myself and others. I would like my words to bring life and not death, encouragement and not judgment, hope rather than despair. Words have wings and they fly, and if they are positive they float higher and higher and bring insight and joy to the hearer. However, if they are full of hate or hopelessness they also fly and hide and cocoon themselves only to birth doubt, and despair. Let's use our tongues wisely and let's speak the peace into this sometimes crazy world. With each breath we have a new opportunity.
Life Spelled Out
It only takes a few letters put together to make a word
It only takes a few words in an orderly fashion to make a sentence
A word or sentence
Spoken or implied
Can speak paragraphs and essays
To the mind and heart
A word of PEACE or HOPE, spoken in LOVE
Even a simple line of encouragement
Can change things, and lives, now and for generations to come
Words affect our lives
The HIT us!
RUN into us!
SMASH us!
and at times CRUSH us into itty-bitty pieces
They LIFT us
EMPOWER us
Help us SOAR or DIVE and...
if they don't jive with the truth-
they infest our souls
They cause us to lose hope
and to stop setting goals for ourselves
Words can HEAL or CAUSE SICKNESS
They can SET FREE or ENSLAVE
DROWN US or KEEP US AFLOAT
Words, words, words
What do you say or speak into the lives of others?
What do you say to yourself?
You are speaking your D-E-S-T-I-N-Y
one
SYLL-A-BLE
at
a
time
Charissa Carroll
2006
I wrote the poem below back in August of 2006, I don't remember what motivated it other than my own thoughts around the power of words. Words do become our actions. We have all read stories, or have our own of being unable to move forward, or make change, or even believe we were smart or capable, based on what was or wasn't said to us.
I again, want to be more conscious of how I speak to myself and others. I would like my words to bring life and not death, encouragement and not judgment, hope rather than despair. Words have wings and they fly, and if they are positive they float higher and higher and bring insight and joy to the hearer. However, if they are full of hate or hopelessness they also fly and hide and cocoon themselves only to birth doubt, and despair. Let's use our tongues wisely and let's speak the peace into this sometimes crazy world. With each breath we have a new opportunity.
Life Spelled Out
It only takes a few letters put together to make a word
It only takes a few words in an orderly fashion to make a sentence
A word or sentence
Spoken or implied
Can speak paragraphs and essays
To the mind and heart
A word of PEACE or HOPE, spoken in LOVE
Even a simple line of encouragement
Can change things, and lives, now and for generations to come
Words affect our lives
The HIT us!
RUN into us!
SMASH us!
and at times CRUSH us into itty-bitty pieces
They LIFT us
EMPOWER us
Help us SOAR or DIVE and...
if they don't jive with the truth-
they infest our souls
They cause us to lose hope
and to stop setting goals for ourselves
Words can HEAL or CAUSE SICKNESS
They can SET FREE or ENSLAVE
DROWN US or KEEP US AFLOAT
Words, words, words
What do you say or speak into the lives of others?
What do you say to yourself?
You are speaking your D-E-S-T-I-N-Y
one
SYLL-A-BLE
at
a
time
Charissa Carroll
2006
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Flies, flies, flies
A bold fly came into my house today. I followed it around the house as soon as my two year old noticed it came in. I do not allow flies to roam freely in my house. In fact I will stop everything I am doing to hunt it down and kill it. That may sound cruel to some, but I do have a rule regarding bugs. I figure they have the great outdoors to fly, chill, sleep, they can hang around trees, or lakes or the mountains, it's their choice. I have my home and they are not allowed in, once they come in and violate our agreement, I open doors and windows and give them a chance to leave, but if they are unwilling, I take them out.
I think to much about what they are doing. Flies are so dirty. We all know what their favorite thing is and that's too much for me. I don't want them flying around my house, laying eggs, making themselves at home. I couldn't kill the fly that came in today, I could only trap it. I will let my husband figure out how to kill the fly that's trapped between the window and the screen. I've at least quarantined it, and for the time being it was enough.
I sometimes make interesting connections to things and here is one of them. I was thinking about that fly and what I know about it, how it makes me feel and it's motivations. I knew it would not be okay for me to let it roam freely in my house. I knew it would keep me anxious and unhappy. I don't always know when a fly comes in, but once I spot it, I go to work following it.
I know it's just a fly, but it made me think about the other seemingly harmless little things, I have allowed to float, fly, crawl, swim into my life. Things that I know aren't good for me, or helpful, things that I know in the long run won't benefit me, but I let them in anyway.
I am thinking specifically about this weight loss journey I am on. I'm thinking about the seemingly harmless food that has made it's way into my body, which turned into pounds, which turned into guilt, which turned into hiding, which turned into despair, which turned into more eating and self-pity. It reminds me of the old story, " There was and old lady who swallowed a fly." Do you remember how it goes? "I know an old lady who swallowed a fly, I don't know why she swallowed the fly..." It goes on to justify her swallowing a fly to catch the spider and then she swallows a bird to catch the spider and a cat to catch the bird and it goes on until she swallows a horse. Let's think about that, the fly was one thing, but a horse is a whole different thing.
My song would go something like this:
I know a young lady who swallowed a lie
I don't know why she swallowed the lie
Perhaps she'll die
I know a young lady who swallowed some chocoalte
that made her feel happy and numb inside
she swallowed the chocolate to hide the lie
I don't know why she swallowed the lie
perhaps she'll die
I know a young lady who swallowed some chips
they go good with dip,
she swallowed the chips to balance the chocolate
that hid the lie
perhaps she'll die....
I will just do two verses, I know where my weight comes from. It's not that I love food either. I honestly don't like food, it's just a means to an end. Food has been my choice of drug. It's been a comfort, and escape, something I could control. The access was great, food was everywhere, and it could be eaten in secret. I have lost about 20lbs since January, it's been slow, but it's been real. I have not only lost physical weight, but emotional weight as well. Each pound I lost had a story, one of sabotage, pain, even joy, food was always the answer to whatever I thought I needed. I knew it wasn't what it appeared to be, but it was consistent nonetheless and there whenever I needed it.
I don't swallow boxes of chocolates anymore and I don't chase them down with chips, but mostly I don't swallow the lies anymore. I know the truth of who I am. I know the truth of who I am becoming, and I see the vision of who I will be. She, me ,the one with freedom, doesn't swallow flies for anyone, she catches them as soon as they come in. She isolates them and is aware of the damage to her well being they can cause. This changing me, she is proactive and ready to combat the things that try to sneak their way into her life. She refuses to even consider being like the woman who in the end swallowed a horse, all because she opened her mouth for the pesky little fly.
This changing me is not alone though. I am surrounded by a group of women, who also once opened their mouths wide for the flies, and lies of this world. Some of us eventually swallowed our hopes and dreams with our horses. We have a united front now. We refuse to feed our pain, we now nourish our souls. We encourage each other, listen and build one another up. We refuse to swallow flies. Thank you ladies for walking with me, and being my fly paper.
I think to much about what they are doing. Flies are so dirty. We all know what their favorite thing is and that's too much for me. I don't want them flying around my house, laying eggs, making themselves at home. I couldn't kill the fly that came in today, I could only trap it. I will let my husband figure out how to kill the fly that's trapped between the window and the screen. I've at least quarantined it, and for the time being it was enough.
I sometimes make interesting connections to things and here is one of them. I was thinking about that fly and what I know about it, how it makes me feel and it's motivations. I knew it would not be okay for me to let it roam freely in my house. I knew it would keep me anxious and unhappy. I don't always know when a fly comes in, but once I spot it, I go to work following it.
I know it's just a fly, but it made me think about the other seemingly harmless little things, I have allowed to float, fly, crawl, swim into my life. Things that I know aren't good for me, or helpful, things that I know in the long run won't benefit me, but I let them in anyway.
I am thinking specifically about this weight loss journey I am on. I'm thinking about the seemingly harmless food that has made it's way into my body, which turned into pounds, which turned into guilt, which turned into hiding, which turned into despair, which turned into more eating and self-pity. It reminds me of the old story, " There was and old lady who swallowed a fly." Do you remember how it goes? "I know an old lady who swallowed a fly, I don't know why she swallowed the fly..." It goes on to justify her swallowing a fly to catch the spider and then she swallows a bird to catch the spider and a cat to catch the bird and it goes on until she swallows a horse. Let's think about that, the fly was one thing, but a horse is a whole different thing.
My song would go something like this:
I know a young lady who swallowed a lie
I don't know why she swallowed the lie
Perhaps she'll die
I know a young lady who swallowed some chocoalte
that made her feel happy and numb inside
she swallowed the chocolate to hide the lie
I don't know why she swallowed the lie
perhaps she'll die
I know a young lady who swallowed some chips
they go good with dip,
she swallowed the chips to balance the chocolate
that hid the lie
perhaps she'll die....
I will just do two verses, I know where my weight comes from. It's not that I love food either. I honestly don't like food, it's just a means to an end. Food has been my choice of drug. It's been a comfort, and escape, something I could control. The access was great, food was everywhere, and it could be eaten in secret. I have lost about 20lbs since January, it's been slow, but it's been real. I have not only lost physical weight, but emotional weight as well. Each pound I lost had a story, one of sabotage, pain, even joy, food was always the answer to whatever I thought I needed. I knew it wasn't what it appeared to be, but it was consistent nonetheless and there whenever I needed it.
I don't swallow boxes of chocolates anymore and I don't chase them down with chips, but mostly I don't swallow the lies anymore. I know the truth of who I am. I know the truth of who I am becoming, and I see the vision of who I will be. She, me ,the one with freedom, doesn't swallow flies for anyone, she catches them as soon as they come in. She isolates them and is aware of the damage to her well being they can cause. This changing me, she is proactive and ready to combat the things that try to sneak their way into her life. She refuses to even consider being like the woman who in the end swallowed a horse, all because she opened her mouth for the pesky little fly.
This changing me is not alone though. I am surrounded by a group of women, who also once opened their mouths wide for the flies, and lies of this world. Some of us eventually swallowed our hopes and dreams with our horses. We have a united front now. We refuse to feed our pain, we now nourish our souls. We encourage each other, listen and build one another up. We refuse to swallow flies. Thank you ladies for walking with me, and being my fly paper.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
If you love me...
My love language used to be gifts. And oddly enough, I could never receive enough gifts to feel the love. I think because receiving gifts was proof of love to me, I would always notice when I didn't get them. The result being that I would feel unloved. In my adult life, I would be part of groups where we would do "Secret Santa," and in college, we would choose someone's name and for the quarter, give them a note or small gift weekly, just to let them know we cared. I would usually come back from these events, broken-hearted. Why? because my pen pal/secret santa would have forgotten my gift or forgotten the event all together. It was so sad for me, because I would spend a lot of time trying to make my person feel special and loved. I would be so excited for the day when we would reveal whose secret Santa we were and receive our final gifts. I'm sure the person, who I felt at the time just didn't care about me, had no idea how meaningful it really was to me. I bet their love language was not gifts.
Over the years, I decided that having "gifts" as my love language caused me more sorrow than joy. Gifts are a hard one, because, people forget, they don't always have money and sometimes you can get the wrong idea from a cheap or expensive gift, when they don't mean what they appear to mean.
I know that physical touch isn't my love language. I know I need physical touch, but I'm not what some may call a "Snuggle Bug," type of person, except with my husband and kids, and they could probably use a little more snuggling from me too.(I'm working on that) There are a few other love languages, but I think the two that are most meaningful to me in this season of my life are; Words of Encouragement and Acts of Service.
I don't want to be praised, but I like to know you see me struggling and care. I like to know you like that poem I wrote, or that subject I blogged about. When people who know me, or just meet me say nice words to me, it is the best gift. Words can give you wings, when you don't have legs. A kind word is like warmth to the soul and butter on some yummy bread. Words really do lift us up and in many ways spur us on to good deeds. It doesn't even have to always be some joyful word of happiness or some acknowledgment of something great. I accept words of wisdom, correction ( with the right spirit) and words that tell me who I am and pull me out of the muck, when I am believing lies about myself or others. I guess it's really the heart behind the words that is the true gift. When someone takes time to share with you a thought about you, good, constructive, or happy they are taking time to care for you, see you, hear you, and that speaks rivers of love to my soul.
The second one for me is, Acts of Service. I am a get it done type of woman (most of the times, some time, well I want to be LOL). Anyways, I like to finish things and I like things organized, however, sometimes, I stay too busy and lose sight of what's really important. There are other times however, when I just have a lot that needs to get done, and I feel like I am the only one who can do it. I often feel that way because, I do not like to ask for help. I don't like to obligate people. I'm afraid that if I ask for help, I will have to reciprocate and then what if I can't reciprocate when they need my help. I try to avoid those situations. I also hope that my, " need for help" will just eventually go away if I ignore it long enough. Well, it usually doesn't and I end up putting in way too much time, doing the job of three people or quitting something that I started because I couldn't finish it on my own. God is teaching me a lot this quarter about letting go of that pride and letting people help me. As hard as it was to receive it has truly been a blessing.
I need help, but I like it when I don't have to ask. Well, don't we wish people could just read our minds and figure out our need without having to spell it out? Not realistic. So, Acts of Service, simple ones mean a lot to me. It's not even what's being done, it's the fact that someone is taking a load off my shoulders. It means they know me and they know if they step in, I can step down. They know that I would love to sit and read a book, but I won't as long as the dishes are in the sink, or the room is a mess, or there are a million other reasons.
I guess my underlining desire is to be known and loved, some proof of that is responding to me in a way that I can understand and receive. It's one thing to love someone and another to love them in a way they can recognize. When someone knows you, they see your struggles, and weaknesses and they help, speak, sit with, correct, and encourage in various ways at various times. They assist when you are weak and see through the mask when you are hiding. They get you and you let them in, and then they love you, and you are loved. You know it, and it feels great, and you in turn love back.... and the gift goes on.
Over the years, I decided that having "gifts" as my love language caused me more sorrow than joy. Gifts are a hard one, because, people forget, they don't always have money and sometimes you can get the wrong idea from a cheap or expensive gift, when they don't mean what they appear to mean.
I know that physical touch isn't my love language. I know I need physical touch, but I'm not what some may call a "Snuggle Bug," type of person, except with my husband and kids, and they could probably use a little more snuggling from me too.(I'm working on that) There are a few other love languages, but I think the two that are most meaningful to me in this season of my life are; Words of Encouragement and Acts of Service.
I don't want to be praised, but I like to know you see me struggling and care. I like to know you like that poem I wrote, or that subject I blogged about. When people who know me, or just meet me say nice words to me, it is the best gift. Words can give you wings, when you don't have legs. A kind word is like warmth to the soul and butter on some yummy bread. Words really do lift us up and in many ways spur us on to good deeds. It doesn't even have to always be some joyful word of happiness or some acknowledgment of something great. I accept words of wisdom, correction ( with the right spirit) and words that tell me who I am and pull me out of the muck, when I am believing lies about myself or others. I guess it's really the heart behind the words that is the true gift. When someone takes time to share with you a thought about you, good, constructive, or happy they are taking time to care for you, see you, hear you, and that speaks rivers of love to my soul.
The second one for me is, Acts of Service. I am a get it done type of woman (most of the times, some time, well I want to be LOL). Anyways, I like to finish things and I like things organized, however, sometimes, I stay too busy and lose sight of what's really important. There are other times however, when I just have a lot that needs to get done, and I feel like I am the only one who can do it. I often feel that way because, I do not like to ask for help. I don't like to obligate people. I'm afraid that if I ask for help, I will have to reciprocate and then what if I can't reciprocate when they need my help. I try to avoid those situations. I also hope that my, " need for help" will just eventually go away if I ignore it long enough. Well, it usually doesn't and I end up putting in way too much time, doing the job of three people or quitting something that I started because I couldn't finish it on my own. God is teaching me a lot this quarter about letting go of that pride and letting people help me. As hard as it was to receive it has truly been a blessing.
I need help, but I like it when I don't have to ask. Well, don't we wish people could just read our minds and figure out our need without having to spell it out? Not realistic. So, Acts of Service, simple ones mean a lot to me. It's not even what's being done, it's the fact that someone is taking a load off my shoulders. It means they know me and they know if they step in, I can step down. They know that I would love to sit and read a book, but I won't as long as the dishes are in the sink, or the room is a mess, or there are a million other reasons.
I guess my underlining desire is to be known and loved, some proof of that is responding to me in a way that I can understand and receive. It's one thing to love someone and another to love them in a way they can recognize. When someone knows you, they see your struggles, and weaknesses and they help, speak, sit with, correct, and encourage in various ways at various times. They assist when you are weak and see through the mask when you are hiding. They get you and you let them in, and then they love you, and you are loved. You know it, and it feels great, and you in turn love back.... and the gift goes on.
Monday, November 8, 2010
To give or not to give...
She caught me off guard, and she was crying hysterically. Her naturally brown face was aged by the years and her open, crying mouth had little proof that teeth once resided there. She smelled of alcohol and was moving very quickly towards me. With tears in her eyes and agony in her voice, in a loud scream- like begging voice she said to me, " Do you have any change for me? Oh, God, do you have any change at all?"...
It was late and I had just come out of the store. I was putting my keys in the ignition and was shocked when I heard a loud tap on my car window. He was asking me for change. I wasn't rolling down my window. I waved him off. I was irritated...
I was getting Little Caesar's five dollar pizzas for the family, it was a rainy Friday evening. I was tired. I wanted to get home. The kids were hungry. I had a lot on my mind. The parking lot was crowded. I was turned around in my seat talking to my kids, they were fighting. I was startled when I heard a loud tap on my drivers side window. There she was, wanting me to roll down my window, all up in my window, face almost on the glass. She said, "I'm homeless... I looked at her and put my hand up, basically telling her that I couldn't help her. She looked at me and through the window said, "Wow!". I drove off feeling some kinda way...
As I walked up, she and a friend were sitting on the ground. They waited until I passed and then asked for some change. I turned around looked in my wallet and handed her a dollar. She looked at it like it was a penny and smirked. I walked away, regretting the giving...
I have been approached so many times by people asking for money. It doesn't seem to matter where I am. I think I am a beggar magnet. I can't imagine having to beg for money or food. I know it is not an easy thing to do. I'm going to tell on myself here. I hate when strangers beg me for money, change, food. It really bothers me. I like to give. I consider myself a giving person. However, I think I like to give on my terms. I don't like feeling obligated, and it's hard to say no to someone when they are just asking for change. Usually everybody has a few coins on them. Am I lying when I say no? Am I being stingy when I only give "the change," they asked for? Is it unchristian of me when I deny them outright? I struggle with this issue.
Lately I have been trying to figure out what it is I need to do. What is Charissa's responsibility in this matter? What does my heart really say? What does God expect of me? What kind of example do I want to set for my children?
One main issue that comes up for me is safety. I really don't like grown men approaching me when I am by myself or with my kids. I am a strong woman, so I don't worry that I can't protect myself, I just don't want to have to go there. I also struggle sometimes, because I may have some change, or a few dollars, but I honestly need them. Yes, I have a car and own a home, but there are still times when I am broke or need what I have to provide for my family. There honestly are times, when I feel like I can't just give away my change, because I plan on using the very thing they are asking for in the store they are begging in front of.
I have given to plenty of people who have asked, but my attitude hasn't been right. I want a right attitude. I think God is more pleased by that than by how much I give. I know he loves these men and women who are struggling with alcohol and drugs and the ones who always need, " bus fare" but never ride the bus. I did decide a few years ago that I wont' give or not give based on what I think they may use the money for. I decided that I don't need to figure that out, it was really just an excuse so I could justify not giving when people asked.
My husband, the brilliant man that he is told me to just be ready to give. Expect that people are going to ask and have a plan. I'm taking his advice. It's not a grand plan, but it's one that I think will work for me. It's a plan that I think will honor God, set a good example for my children and help me to have a "right attitude" about the whole thing.
Here is my plan. I am going to make what I call " O.H. Packs." I practice hospitality when people come to my house, so I will practice hospitality when people come to my car or approach me. The O.H. packs are my, "Outside Hospitality Packs."
The Bible talks about giving, (I'm paraphrasing here) it says, " Decide what you will give and then give cheerfully without regret." By creating these packs, I can decide ahead of time and give cheerfully without leaving the situation feeling obligated or angry. I might even begin to enjoy it and, who knows what will come of it.
What will I put in my O.H. packs? Good question. I'm thinking I will use a gallon size ziplock bag and fill it with these items:
bottled water or juice box
nuts/ beef jerky/ fruit/
mints/gum
toothbrush/ hand sanitizer
$2.00
maybe a note or something to read
I plan on making 10 O.H. packs a month and being open to giving them away. I'm not sure of everything that will be in them, but I will make them yummy and useful. I hope that the people receiving them will feel loved and valued. I know it's easy sometimes to think that people that beg are "less than," but they aren't they just "have less than we do at the time."
It was late and I had just come out of the store. I was putting my keys in the ignition and was shocked when I heard a loud tap on my car window. He was asking me for change. I wasn't rolling down my window. I waved him off. I was irritated...
I was getting Little Caesar's five dollar pizzas for the family, it was a rainy Friday evening. I was tired. I wanted to get home. The kids were hungry. I had a lot on my mind. The parking lot was crowded. I was turned around in my seat talking to my kids, they were fighting. I was startled when I heard a loud tap on my drivers side window. There she was, wanting me to roll down my window, all up in my window, face almost on the glass. She said, "I'm homeless... I looked at her and put my hand up, basically telling her that I couldn't help her. She looked at me and through the window said, "Wow!". I drove off feeling some kinda way...
As I walked up, she and a friend were sitting on the ground. They waited until I passed and then asked for some change. I turned around looked in my wallet and handed her a dollar. She looked at it like it was a penny and smirked. I walked away, regretting the giving...
I have been approached so many times by people asking for money. It doesn't seem to matter where I am. I think I am a beggar magnet. I can't imagine having to beg for money or food. I know it is not an easy thing to do. I'm going to tell on myself here. I hate when strangers beg me for money, change, food. It really bothers me. I like to give. I consider myself a giving person. However, I think I like to give on my terms. I don't like feeling obligated, and it's hard to say no to someone when they are just asking for change. Usually everybody has a few coins on them. Am I lying when I say no? Am I being stingy when I only give "the change," they asked for? Is it unchristian of me when I deny them outright? I struggle with this issue.
Lately I have been trying to figure out what it is I need to do. What is Charissa's responsibility in this matter? What does my heart really say? What does God expect of me? What kind of example do I want to set for my children?
One main issue that comes up for me is safety. I really don't like grown men approaching me when I am by myself or with my kids. I am a strong woman, so I don't worry that I can't protect myself, I just don't want to have to go there. I also struggle sometimes, because I may have some change, or a few dollars, but I honestly need them. Yes, I have a car and own a home, but there are still times when I am broke or need what I have to provide for my family. There honestly are times, when I feel like I can't just give away my change, because I plan on using the very thing they are asking for in the store they are begging in front of.
I have given to plenty of people who have asked, but my attitude hasn't been right. I want a right attitude. I think God is more pleased by that than by how much I give. I know he loves these men and women who are struggling with alcohol and drugs and the ones who always need, " bus fare" but never ride the bus. I did decide a few years ago that I wont' give or not give based on what I think they may use the money for. I decided that I don't need to figure that out, it was really just an excuse so I could justify not giving when people asked.
My husband, the brilliant man that he is told me to just be ready to give. Expect that people are going to ask and have a plan. I'm taking his advice. It's not a grand plan, but it's one that I think will work for me. It's a plan that I think will honor God, set a good example for my children and help me to have a "right attitude" about the whole thing.
Here is my plan. I am going to make what I call " O.H. Packs." I practice hospitality when people come to my house, so I will practice hospitality when people come to my car or approach me. The O.H. packs are my, "Outside Hospitality Packs."
The Bible talks about giving, (I'm paraphrasing here) it says, " Decide what you will give and then give cheerfully without regret." By creating these packs, I can decide ahead of time and give cheerfully without leaving the situation feeling obligated or angry. I might even begin to enjoy it and, who knows what will come of it.
What will I put in my O.H. packs? Good question. I'm thinking I will use a gallon size ziplock bag and fill it with these items:
bottled water or juice box
nuts/ beef jerky/ fruit/
mints/gum
toothbrush/ hand sanitizer
$2.00
maybe a note or something to read
I plan on making 10 O.H. packs a month and being open to giving them away. I'm not sure of everything that will be in them, but I will make them yummy and useful. I hope that the people receiving them will feel loved and valued. I know it's easy sometimes to think that people that beg are "less than," but they aren't they just "have less than we do at the time."
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Just thinking
I wonder what it really means to " seek God." I wonder what it really means to " know someone."
I have sought God, but I don't know that I have sought him like I would if I were trying to look for something meaningful or precious to me. God is like an onion, he has layers and sometimes they make you cry, but they are good tears and worth it in the end. I know a lot of people, but what's missing. I have tasted, in fact feasted on the Freedom God gives, because I have experienced it firsthand in my life. I have also experienced true friendship, so maybe that is "knowing someone." I want to experiment with seeking God in a more intense way. There is a verse in the Bible that says, " Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you..." There is a context to the verse of course, but I also think there is something more. I want to know what that more is.
I would like to study my Bible more. I went to Bible College and I have an AA degree in Biblical Studies. I think in the past, that I took that to mean, I know the Bible. I do know a lot of what the Bible says, but the Bible is not some book, you read once and then talk about. I'ts like the Never Ending Story, it's alive, as you read it, it speaks to you, it changes you... it's filled with life and power.
Lord, show me what it means to seek you, and what the added things are. Amen
I have sought God, but I don't know that I have sought him like I would if I were trying to look for something meaningful or precious to me. God is like an onion, he has layers and sometimes they make you cry, but they are good tears and worth it in the end. I know a lot of people, but what's missing. I have tasted, in fact feasted on the Freedom God gives, because I have experienced it firsthand in my life. I have also experienced true friendship, so maybe that is "knowing someone." I want to experiment with seeking God in a more intense way. There is a verse in the Bible that says, " Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you..." There is a context to the verse of course, but I also think there is something more. I want to know what that more is.
I would like to study my Bible more. I went to Bible College and I have an AA degree in Biblical Studies. I think in the past, that I took that to mean, I know the Bible. I do know a lot of what the Bible says, but the Bible is not some book, you read once and then talk about. I'ts like the Never Ending Story, it's alive, as you read it, it speaks to you, it changes you... it's filled with life and power.
Lord, show me what it means to seek you, and what the added things are. Amen
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Struggling
I'm honestly, kind of in a funk. I need some encouragement. I need to encourage myself. I'm getting a little too anxious these days. I'm carrying a few too many burdens on my own shoulders. I'm at times losing sight about what's really important. I know what's really important, but living like I do is not as easy. I need to manage my time better. I need to make sure the things, people, relationships, etc that are essential get nurtured in my life. I'm looking for more balance. I need to take some things a little more seriously, I need to chill out in some areas and I need to laugh more, that's a fact.
I love to laugh. In my stress management class, it's the tool I chose to work on, to help deal with the stress of life. I tried to just laugh when my son threw up as soon as I cleaned the whole house and we were about to walk out the door. I try to laugh when I work on ten math problems, check the answers only to find they are all wrong, or when a surprise bill comes, or the car won't start when I come out of the grocery store and of course all my kids are in tow.
Maybe that's not how the whole application of laughter is supposed to work. So, I'm still working on finding the humor in stuff that stresses me out. I have however, just a little bit more than I used too, learned that life will go on, and God is faithful, even in my crisis.
I wrote the poem below a few years ago, but it's what I need to hear again right now. I'm in that season, where the things I need to do and the energy and motivation I need to have are not where I'd like them to be. I realize I am tired in a lot of ways and I need to give this season and all the baggage that comes with it to Jesus. I'm weary and I know I can't walk any further on my own. God is with us. I know he is waiting for me to admit it's too much. I'm not looking for him to swoop down and rescue me like some Superman, cause I know God isn't about instant fixes. Since he's in for the long haul and invested in our lives, like I wrote about in my post "Note to Self.". I'm really looking forward to God to sitting with me and reminding me of how much he loves me, I need to do some more reminding of myself, but reading the Bible too. It's crazy how easy I can get sidetracked from what I deem important. I'm so glad God is gracious. I'm also thankful that he is consistent and doesn't mind reminding us when we lose sight of our focus.
This poem is about resting in God, admitting you are weary, and that being okay.
Wait on You
I will wait on you God
when my feet are tired
I will wait on you God
when my mind is wired
I will wait on you God
when I think I have a better plan
I will wait on you God
when I can no longer stand
I will wait on you God
even if the sun sets and rises
I will wait on you God
I will be blessed by your surprises
I will wait on you God
even when its scary to do
I will wait on you God
You are faithful and true
Heal me, restore me, refresh my soul
You hold the blueprint to my life...I'm letting go.
Charissa Carroll 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Note to Self
I co-lead the Confirmation class at my church. It's a class for mainly 7th & 8th graders to learn the basics of their faith and to better understand the Bible and why they believe what they believe. This year we are studying quite a few things, but one of them is, The Lords Prayer. We are taking it apart line by line to better understand what it is Jesus has taught us to pray.
This week two words really stood out to me, " Our" and " Father," in class we talked about the significance of calling God, " Our Father." There is a lot to be said about that, but what I have been really thinking about since Sunday is the word, "Our." So many times in my prayers, I pray Lord help my... watch over my... provide for my...I realize I pray to God as if my life is some separate thing from him. I pray as if God is just a witness to my life, but not an active participant in it. I pray like I believe in God, but I don't believe he is with me. I pray like God is some distant figure in the clouds, rather than a living wonder, a personal saviour, a friend that sticks closer than a brother, a father who cares for the needs of his children, a mother hen who gathers her chicks under her wings, my creator, who has numbered my days and knows the number of hairs on my head. I pray to God like he is just another being in my life.
How do I do this? I do this by excluding him. I say my life belongs to God, does it really? I'm not talking about perfection here, or everything in my life being mapped out and organized. I'm talking about my mentality about who God is, what role he plays in my life and how I truly view him. I know God is powerful, caring, gracious, loving, forgiving, holy, mighty, wonderful. However, do I know that he cares about my kids as much, well even more than I possible could? If that is true, could I pray, " Dear Lord, please keep "our" children safe. Do I believe he wants my marriage to work? If so, could I pray, " Lord, keep "our" marriage grounded in you, and not ours, like me and my husbands marriage, but ours like, God, me and my husbands marriage. Isn't God invested in it too?
If I pray "our" instead of "my" I'm saying something to God. I'm saying something to myself. I am making a statement about who, I believe God is in my life. I 'm declaring to God, that nothing belongs to me alone. I'm telling him that he is a full investor in this life. I'm telling him I know he's got us! I know he sees me and my life isn't just some recording he watches when he has time. He's not on the sidelines checking out my good plays, he's in the field with me getting dirty, making touch downs, he's with me when I get a penalty and when I don't score. I serve an active God.
Does God being an active member, guarantee that there will never be any mess ups? Does it guarantee, that my children will never get hurt? That everything will always be perfect? That I won't experience any pain? By no means does it mean that. It does mean however, that each step of the way, I will know that I am never alone. Each step of life whether good, or bad, painful or joyous, he is there sharing with me in that moment. It means that when rough times come, God is not up in heaven, feeling sorry for me, but he is right next to me,comforting me, singing over me, encouraging me, giving me strength.
I guess it's just, well not just, but a paradigm shift for me. It's a new way of looking at the activity of this God, to whom I have committed my life. As humans, we half commit, but God, he's game. When he signs his name to us, it's in blood. We are his, through it all, he is faithful.
I want to quit living life like I just got to survive. I want to live in confidence, that even though the seasons will change and the economy will have it's ups and downs and drama will come and go.... God won't go with that flow, he will stay true to his word, for God his word is his bond. I want to live like I believe.
This week two words really stood out to me, " Our" and " Father," in class we talked about the significance of calling God, " Our Father." There is a lot to be said about that, but what I have been really thinking about since Sunday is the word, "Our." So many times in my prayers, I pray Lord help my... watch over my... provide for my...I realize I pray to God as if my life is some separate thing from him. I pray as if God is just a witness to my life, but not an active participant in it. I pray like I believe in God, but I don't believe he is with me. I pray like God is some distant figure in the clouds, rather than a living wonder, a personal saviour, a friend that sticks closer than a brother, a father who cares for the needs of his children, a mother hen who gathers her chicks under her wings, my creator, who has numbered my days and knows the number of hairs on my head. I pray to God like he is just another being in my life.
How do I do this? I do this by excluding him. I say my life belongs to God, does it really? I'm not talking about perfection here, or everything in my life being mapped out and organized. I'm talking about my mentality about who God is, what role he plays in my life and how I truly view him. I know God is powerful, caring, gracious, loving, forgiving, holy, mighty, wonderful. However, do I know that he cares about my kids as much, well even more than I possible could? If that is true, could I pray, " Dear Lord, please keep "our" children safe. Do I believe he wants my marriage to work? If so, could I pray, " Lord, keep "our" marriage grounded in you, and not ours, like me and my husbands marriage, but ours like, God, me and my husbands marriage. Isn't God invested in it too?
If I pray "our" instead of "my" I'm saying something to God. I'm saying something to myself. I am making a statement about who, I believe God is in my life. I 'm declaring to God, that nothing belongs to me alone. I'm telling him that he is a full investor in this life. I'm telling him I know he's got us! I know he sees me and my life isn't just some recording he watches when he has time. He's not on the sidelines checking out my good plays, he's in the field with me getting dirty, making touch downs, he's with me when I get a penalty and when I don't score. I serve an active God.
Does God being an active member, guarantee that there will never be any mess ups? Does it guarantee, that my children will never get hurt? That everything will always be perfect? That I won't experience any pain? By no means does it mean that. It does mean however, that each step of the way, I will know that I am never alone. Each step of life whether good, or bad, painful or joyous, he is there sharing with me in that moment. It means that when rough times come, God is not up in heaven, feeling sorry for me, but he is right next to me,comforting me, singing over me, encouraging me, giving me strength.
I guess it's just, well not just, but a paradigm shift for me. It's a new way of looking at the activity of this God, to whom I have committed my life. As humans, we half commit, but God, he's game. When he signs his name to us, it's in blood. We are his, through it all, he is faithful.
I want to quit living life like I just got to survive. I want to live in confidence, that even though the seasons will change and the economy will have it's ups and downs and drama will come and go.... God won't go with that flow, he will stay true to his word, for God his word is his bond. I want to live like I believe.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Natures Goodnight
I love being outside when it's sunny, but not too bright, windy, but just a little, cool, but not cold. I also love to lie on the grass and look at the stars, as long as there are no bugs.
Here is a poem I wrote awhile back about nature being like a bedroom.
Natures Goodnight
The stars are out, and I'm ready for bed
I have nowhere to lay my head
So up on the hill, I see a patch
a comforting, inviting, luscious grass
It spreads its arms, and envelopes me
I sleep engrossed in serenity
The earth has made a bed for me
The wind sings me a lullaby
The moon is... my night light
As I wake in the morning, from a natural night
The sun welcomes me with rays of delight
Charissa Carroll
2009
Here is a poem I wrote awhile back about nature being like a bedroom.
Natures Goodnight
The stars are out, and I'm ready for bed
I have nowhere to lay my head
So up on the hill, I see a patch
a comforting, inviting, luscious grass
It spreads its arms, and envelopes me
I sleep engrossed in serenity
The earth has made a bed for me
The wind sings me a lullaby
The moon is... my night light
As I wake in the morning, from a natural night
The sun welcomes me with rays of delight
Charissa Carroll
2009
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Go with the flow...
Last Friday, I woke up at 6:17 am. I need to leave the house by 6:30 am to catch the bus and be on time for class. Lately, I have been slacking because I have not wanted to go to class due to the fact that I am failing the class. I half woke up, threw on some clothes, threw on some mascara, deodorant and quickly ran-walked to the bus stop. I made it on time. The bus was crowded again and some people still had an extra seat to themselves. I sat next to a guy that I remembered from high school. I didn't know him well, I just remember seeing him with the special ed teachers. He really likes to talk, even when no one is listening. He has a lot of good thoughts, but usually the bus driver and the passengers don't want to engage in conversation so early in the morning.
A few minutes after sitting down, a big older man got on the bus. He was carrying a large bag and a large briefcase. There was nowhere for him to sit, he really needed two seats. I sat for a moment, hoping one of the men sitting in the front would offer their seat. Another minute goes by, I don't think anyone is getting up. I know I don't like standing in the front of the bus, but the big man currently standing seemed to be struggling so much with all his stuff that it was impossible for him to even stand comfortably. I said, " Sir, do you want to sit down?" I think he wanted to say yes, but didn't verbally get it out. I saw in his eyes, the answer was a desperate yes!. I got up and told him he could sit. The guy from high school sitting next to me, also got up. The man had a seat. I looked around for an empty seat. There were a few, but they were taken up by peoples bags. I moved toward one woman who was sitting on the outside seat, with her bag occupying the other seat. I asked her if I could sit with her. She kindly replied, "yes," and scooted over.
We chatted a little and the chatting grew into full conversation. After all we had at least 35 minutes left on the ride together. This woman began to share about her life with me, her faith in Jesus, her love for poetry, the mountains.The pain of losing her mother a few years back to Alzheimer's disease. We talked about ways God had spoken to us and found we had a lot in common. We talked about school. Remember, I barely wanted to go to class, I was feeling like a failure, wanting to give up. Here is this woman, I think she said she was around 50yrs old. She is going to school, accomplishing her dreams, reaching her goals one day at a time. She admitted that in her past she had struggled with substance abuse, men and just living a decent life.
She told me she had a strong faith, that Jesus changed her life, he brought her out of all the madness she was in. I was amazed by this woman's quiet boldness, her shameless credit to God for what he has done for her. Her willingness to admit that the current math class she is taking, she has already attempted to take two other times, only to fail the class both times.
She had a gutsy-ness about her that I really admired. I thought about all the things she was saying. I thought about how at age 34, I want to give up cause it's hard. She said in the past, she would just give up when things got hard, but not anymore, she has a vision now for who she is, who she wants to be. After hearing her story, I was encouraged. I had a new hope again.
Our bus was running late, and despite my quick wake up and jog to the bus stop, I would still be late for class. However, it was all worth it. This woman usually didn't take this bus, but she did that day. On the bus, I asked her if I could blog about her, she said that was fine. We exchanged emails and got off the bus together. We gave each other a hug and said goodbye, hoping to talk and see each other soon.
I love to hear about peoples lives. I enjoy listening to their stories. I am thankful the bus was full that day, that I gave up my seat. I am thankful for the unexpected blessing of conversation with a stranger. I was encouraged, and challenged that day on the bus. I believe I ended up exactly where I was supposed to sit on that bus that day.
To the woman on the bus, if you read this. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your seat. Thank you for sharing your life with me. May God continue to bless, encourage and strengthen you in all things.
A few minutes after sitting down, a big older man got on the bus. He was carrying a large bag and a large briefcase. There was nowhere for him to sit, he really needed two seats. I sat for a moment, hoping one of the men sitting in the front would offer their seat. Another minute goes by, I don't think anyone is getting up. I know I don't like standing in the front of the bus, but the big man currently standing seemed to be struggling so much with all his stuff that it was impossible for him to even stand comfortably. I said, " Sir, do you want to sit down?" I think he wanted to say yes, but didn't verbally get it out. I saw in his eyes, the answer was a desperate yes!. I got up and told him he could sit. The guy from high school sitting next to me, also got up. The man had a seat. I looked around for an empty seat. There were a few, but they were taken up by peoples bags. I moved toward one woman who was sitting on the outside seat, with her bag occupying the other seat. I asked her if I could sit with her. She kindly replied, "yes," and scooted over.
We chatted a little and the chatting grew into full conversation. After all we had at least 35 minutes left on the ride together. This woman began to share about her life with me, her faith in Jesus, her love for poetry, the mountains.The pain of losing her mother a few years back to Alzheimer's disease. We talked about ways God had spoken to us and found we had a lot in common. We talked about school. Remember, I barely wanted to go to class, I was feeling like a failure, wanting to give up. Here is this woman, I think she said she was around 50yrs old. She is going to school, accomplishing her dreams, reaching her goals one day at a time. She admitted that in her past she had struggled with substance abuse, men and just living a decent life.
She told me she had a strong faith, that Jesus changed her life, he brought her out of all the madness she was in. I was amazed by this woman's quiet boldness, her shameless credit to God for what he has done for her. Her willingness to admit that the current math class she is taking, she has already attempted to take two other times, only to fail the class both times.
She had a gutsy-ness about her that I really admired. I thought about all the things she was saying. I thought about how at age 34, I want to give up cause it's hard. She said in the past, she would just give up when things got hard, but not anymore, she has a vision now for who she is, who she wants to be. After hearing her story, I was encouraged. I had a new hope again.
Our bus was running late, and despite my quick wake up and jog to the bus stop, I would still be late for class. However, it was all worth it. This woman usually didn't take this bus, but she did that day. On the bus, I asked her if I could blog about her, she said that was fine. We exchanged emails and got off the bus together. We gave each other a hug and said goodbye, hoping to talk and see each other soon.
I love to hear about peoples lives. I enjoy listening to their stories. I am thankful the bus was full that day, that I gave up my seat. I am thankful for the unexpected blessing of conversation with a stranger. I was encouraged, and challenged that day on the bus. I believe I ended up exactly where I was supposed to sit on that bus that day.
To the woman on the bus, if you read this. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your seat. Thank you for sharing your life with me. May God continue to bless, encourage and strengthen you in all things.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Fear Not
I think I'm pretty brave, but only when it comes to some things. I have fears just like everyone else. The older I get the better I understand myself and my fears. At this point in my life, I am afraid to fail. I know that at times it has kept me from even trying. The chance of failing sometimes outweighs the chances of succeeding. I have really struggled with my Algebra class this quarter. It's difficult for me, and I don't like that at all. I like to work hard, but I also like to know my work is going to pay off. I took my Algebra midterm and got a 64%, that's not a good grade. I got a 54% on my last test, that wasn't good either.
I really need to pass this class, this class is a prerequisite for the classes I really need. I'm afraid I'm going to fail, I almost want to at this point, because trying and maybe still not doing well is scarier to me. I failed and barely passed all my math classes after 9th grade. I admit, I was too social in high school and didn't really have a good understanding of the importance of education. I never asked for help with math outside of the classroom, I just assumed, I couldn't do it.
Here I am again, 19 years later struggling with Algebra. Here I am again not wanting to ask for help. Afraid to fail. Afraid to obligate anyone to help me, I know people are busy and I know I'm going to need someone with a lot of patience. I shared this struggle with my weight loss group on Tuesday. After the meeting a friend of mine approached me and offered to tutor me. She reminded me that I had no excuse because she offered and I am not obligating her. I really needed someone to pull me out this time. My husband kept telling me to call and get some tutoring, but I didn't want to put myself out there. I was willing to choose the alternative and just let it be. I'm so thankful my friend stepped up, God knew I was struggling to ask. I have a little hope now. She's a patient person and very nice. I think it's a great start to learning something so overwhelming. In the end whether I have to retake this class or not, I will not let it define me or limit me( somebody remind me that I wrote this when it gets tough again..(LOL). I need help plain and simple and the fear has got to go, cause is sho' ain't the truth!
Fear ( This is a poem I wrote back in 2006, fear has been my companion way too long)
You cause us to believe you are bigger than Courage
You are able to cause us to be easily discouraged
You seem bigger than life
and hard as steel
You act as if you know God's will
but you don't
you are small
you exist only if I let you
your name is Fear
In Jesus name... I forget you!
2006 Charissa Carroll
I really need to pass this class, this class is a prerequisite for the classes I really need. I'm afraid I'm going to fail, I almost want to at this point, because trying and maybe still not doing well is scarier to me. I failed and barely passed all my math classes after 9th grade. I admit, I was too social in high school and didn't really have a good understanding of the importance of education. I never asked for help with math outside of the classroom, I just assumed, I couldn't do it.
Here I am again, 19 years later struggling with Algebra. Here I am again not wanting to ask for help. Afraid to fail. Afraid to obligate anyone to help me, I know people are busy and I know I'm going to need someone with a lot of patience. I shared this struggle with my weight loss group on Tuesday. After the meeting a friend of mine approached me and offered to tutor me. She reminded me that I had no excuse because she offered and I am not obligating her. I really needed someone to pull me out this time. My husband kept telling me to call and get some tutoring, but I didn't want to put myself out there. I was willing to choose the alternative and just let it be. I'm so thankful my friend stepped up, God knew I was struggling to ask. I have a little hope now. She's a patient person and very nice. I think it's a great start to learning something so overwhelming. In the end whether I have to retake this class or not, I will not let it define me or limit me( somebody remind me that I wrote this when it gets tough again..(LOL). I need help plain and simple and the fear has got to go, cause is sho' ain't the truth!
Fear ( This is a poem I wrote back in 2006, fear has been my companion way too long)
You cause us to believe you are bigger than Courage
You are able to cause us to be easily discouraged
You seem bigger than life
and hard as steel
You act as if you know God's will
but you don't
you are small
you exist only if I let you
your name is Fear
In Jesus name... I forget you!
2006 Charissa Carroll
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A glimpse of salvation on bus # 1
He was the third one within ten minutes to not have the bus fare. The first guy stepped on the bus, digging around in his pockets looking for a way to pay, all the while still clutching his plastic bags full of possessions. One of the guys just stood there looking at the bus driver like... sorry, I don't have it. She let the first two on, even graciously gave the first guy a transfer, even though he only paid with an expired transfer in the first place. She loudly, but kindly reminded the second man to remember his card next time, however, I think we all knew that the card he was forgetting, didn't actually exist, but what man wants to claim he doesn't have what he needs to a bus full of strangers, let alone admit it to himself.
Well... there was one, the third man. He wasn't as bold as the other two. When the bus got to his stop, he stayed on the sidewalk, slightly leaning forward, again with plastic bag in tow and a coat wrapped around his waist, even though it was cold and rainy. In a loud, child like, hopeful tone he asked the bus driver, " Do you... Do you want me to just catch the next bus? I only got a dollar." He dared not step on the bus. He knew he didn't have the correct fare, he knew his deficit. He was so vulnerable right there. Admitting to all, well at least the motley crew on the bus, that he was indeed short, and could not pay to ride the bus, after all, he only had one dollar and the bus fare was $ 1.75, going up to $2.00 on November 1st. Whether he continued to stand out in the rain and cold, was at this point completely up to the driver. She had the opportunity to show compassion or point to the sign and remind him that the bus fare was $ 1.75 and he was short. She looked at him, told him to come on up mumbling to herself ... "cause everybody else already did."
He got on the bus and sat down. Before he got on, I could see that he was hopeful and unsure at the same time. Now, I could see that he was surprised and relieved that he was not rejected there in the cold, on this wet morning.
I call this A Glimpse of Salvation on Bus # 1, because really in a nutshell, that is what Jesus has done for us. There we stand, cold, wet, hungry, needy, clutching what we have, holding onto it with dear life: our plastic bag full of doubt, shame, hurt, pain, desire, hope... not really sure of what to expect. Not wanting to put ourselves out there but in some way desperate to be rescued from the place we are in. Then comes the bus... Jesus. It's already full of passengers, what do they think of me, will they want me? Not having the right amount of money, clothes, fame, personality will I be accepted? Then the driver, the one with all the power, to admit or deny, to show compassion or shame, is there and we are at the mercy of the driver.
God knows we can't pay the fare, He knows we are not okay where we are, he knows we hold tightly to what we know, have...hoping it will be enough, but it usually never is, is it?
God looks at us and sees our need, our pain, our hope, our doubt. He sees the expressions on our faces and reads our body language even when we don't know how we are feeling. The bus usually stops when they see a person standing on the sidewalk. They don't try and guess ahead of time whether or not the person will be able to pay.
The bus just stops, cause that is what it is designed to do, pick up passengers, get them to their destination. We don't usually stand at a bus stop unless we want to ride the bus, and at times, we don't want to ride the bus, but we stand there anyway, knowing it's the only way to get where we need to go. That man stood there even though he couldn't pay, he admitted he didn't have what it took to ride the bus, the bus driver acknowledged that, let him on as he was, and never asked for the dollar he said he had.
His ride was free, and so is God's love, grace, and salvation. Anyone need a ride?
Well... there was one, the third man. He wasn't as bold as the other two. When the bus got to his stop, he stayed on the sidewalk, slightly leaning forward, again with plastic bag in tow and a coat wrapped around his waist, even though it was cold and rainy. In a loud, child like, hopeful tone he asked the bus driver, " Do you... Do you want me to just catch the next bus? I only got a dollar." He dared not step on the bus. He knew he didn't have the correct fare, he knew his deficit. He was so vulnerable right there. Admitting to all, well at least the motley crew on the bus, that he was indeed short, and could not pay to ride the bus, after all, he only had one dollar and the bus fare was $ 1.75, going up to $2.00 on November 1st. Whether he continued to stand out in the rain and cold, was at this point completely up to the driver. She had the opportunity to show compassion or point to the sign and remind him that the bus fare was $ 1.75 and he was short. She looked at him, told him to come on up mumbling to herself ... "cause everybody else already did."
He got on the bus and sat down. Before he got on, I could see that he was hopeful and unsure at the same time. Now, I could see that he was surprised and relieved that he was not rejected there in the cold, on this wet morning.
I call this A Glimpse of Salvation on Bus # 1, because really in a nutshell, that is what Jesus has done for us. There we stand, cold, wet, hungry, needy, clutching what we have, holding onto it with dear life: our plastic bag full of doubt, shame, hurt, pain, desire, hope... not really sure of what to expect. Not wanting to put ourselves out there but in some way desperate to be rescued from the place we are in. Then comes the bus... Jesus. It's already full of passengers, what do they think of me, will they want me? Not having the right amount of money, clothes, fame, personality will I be accepted? Then the driver, the one with all the power, to admit or deny, to show compassion or shame, is there and we are at the mercy of the driver.
God knows we can't pay the fare, He knows we are not okay where we are, he knows we hold tightly to what we know, have...hoping it will be enough, but it usually never is, is it?
God looks at us and sees our need, our pain, our hope, our doubt. He sees the expressions on our faces and reads our body language even when we don't know how we are feeling. The bus usually stops when they see a person standing on the sidewalk. They don't try and guess ahead of time whether or not the person will be able to pay.
The bus just stops, cause that is what it is designed to do, pick up passengers, get them to their destination. We don't usually stand at a bus stop unless we want to ride the bus, and at times, we don't want to ride the bus, but we stand there anyway, knowing it's the only way to get where we need to go. That man stood there even though he couldn't pay, he admitted he didn't have what it took to ride the bus, the bus driver acknowledged that, let him on as he was, and never asked for the dollar he said he had.
His ride was free, and so is God's love, grace, and salvation. Anyone need a ride?
Monday, October 25, 2010
When you don't know "how "to trust...
A few weeks ago some friends and I were talking about trust. A few days ago my sister and I were talking about trust. I know for me trust has been a big issue most of my life. It's a natural God-given desire to want to feel safe. It's hard to be vulnerable,because it exposes us to pain. However, it also exposes us to joy. I have had to ask God to help me trust, to help me share my heart. God has had to have a demolition crew come and remove the barricades on my heart. I don't like being hurt. I don't like feeling emotionally abused. I don't like putting myself out there and feeling stupid. I want to be safe... always.
It is not possible to go through this life without experiencing some type of pain. I tried for a lot of years to avoid pain. I did this by not really letting anyone get too close to me. It worked for quite a while. People would just think I didn't like them, and they would leave me alone. I didn't want people to feel I didn't like them, but I also knew it was an effective deterrent, and so I used it. Over the years a few people would slip through. They would see that I "looked," disinterested in friendship, but they also had the intuition to know, it was just an act. They would keep coming back, engaging me in conversation, smiling at me, even when the smile wasn't always returned. They were consistent in showing me love, even when I looked like I didn't want it, or need it. These are my " soldier friends," the ones who ignored my armor and saw my heart. It was bruised and broken, hard and dark at times, but their consistent love broke through. I have to joke sometimes with the friends I have given the hardest times too. I also have asked them to forgive me for hurting them with my armor.
I brought this armor into my marriage, just as I brought it into many friendships. Over time, I have seen myself give up certain pieces, and replace them with peepholes into my heart. My husband and I celebrated ten years of marriage in August. As our ten- year anniversary was nearing, I found myself evaluating our marriage and myself as a wife. In doing so, I realized that most of my armor was gone and that I trusted my husband more than I had ever trusted anyone. It was great to realize some healing had happened. I didn't even really know it was happening as it happened, but just as I like to know how any and every bug enters my house, I also wanted to know what changed in my world of trust.
I hadn't really tried to figure it out again after the first realization, it wasn't until my girlfriend asked me how I came to trust my husband, that the wonder of it all flooded my mind again.. As I was thinking about her question, I got a visual in my mind that helped me explain what my trust looked like.
This is how I visual trust:
1. I give my heart to God. He is literally holding me/my heart in his hands.
2. I lend my heart to my husband, friends, family through the hands of God. Even when my husband has my heart, God wraps his hands around my husbands hands as he holds my heart.
So Ultimately God has my heart. It belongs to him. I share it with the ones I love, but God still owns it. I go into this love/trust relationship with my eyes wide open.I also know that God is a fierce protector and that as I get his direction and listen to his leading, he knows when to caution me and give me the green light on giving my heart to just anyone. The other great thing is when someone messes with your heart, they will have to answer to God for that, and you can let God have that issue, so that your heart doesn't get hard and overwhelmed with the pain of it all.
However, we live in a hurt world and hurt people (all of us) hurt people) so, I need to keep in mind that;
1. I will get hurt, even if it's unintentional that's just the nature of relationships
2. I will hurt the ones I love, even when it's unintentional
I know it's important for me to go into relationships knowing that my feelings might get hurt at times and I will at times hurt others. I need to be aware that no one is perfect and so there will, at times be pain and mending that need to take place.
How can I be okay with pain, brokenness, disappointment etc...? I can be okay with all of this, because God has my heart. When I held me own heart, even with the armor on, I still got hurt, experienced pain and needed mending. The problem was I didn't have the skills or tools to mend my own heart, heal my own brokenness or protect my heart without also keeping love out.
When my heart needs mending-God is healer
When my heart needs safety- God is my comforter
When my heart is getting hard- God massages it and brings back the life
When my heart needs protection- God wraps his hands tighter around it
I can trust/love in a way now, that I have never known before. It's so liberating and amazing to me. I thank God that he was able to allow me to clearly see what trust can look like, when he's got my heart.
It is not possible to go through this life without experiencing some type of pain. I tried for a lot of years to avoid pain. I did this by not really letting anyone get too close to me. It worked for quite a while. People would just think I didn't like them, and they would leave me alone. I didn't want people to feel I didn't like them, but I also knew it was an effective deterrent, and so I used it. Over the years a few people would slip through. They would see that I "looked," disinterested in friendship, but they also had the intuition to know, it was just an act. They would keep coming back, engaging me in conversation, smiling at me, even when the smile wasn't always returned. They were consistent in showing me love, even when I looked like I didn't want it, or need it. These are my " soldier friends," the ones who ignored my armor and saw my heart. It was bruised and broken, hard and dark at times, but their consistent love broke through. I have to joke sometimes with the friends I have given the hardest times too. I also have asked them to forgive me for hurting them with my armor.
I brought this armor into my marriage, just as I brought it into many friendships. Over time, I have seen myself give up certain pieces, and replace them with peepholes into my heart. My husband and I celebrated ten years of marriage in August. As our ten- year anniversary was nearing, I found myself evaluating our marriage and myself as a wife. In doing so, I realized that most of my armor was gone and that I trusted my husband more than I had ever trusted anyone. It was great to realize some healing had happened. I didn't even really know it was happening as it happened, but just as I like to know how any and every bug enters my house, I also wanted to know what changed in my world of trust.
I hadn't really tried to figure it out again after the first realization, it wasn't until my girlfriend asked me how I came to trust my husband, that the wonder of it all flooded my mind again.. As I was thinking about her question, I got a visual in my mind that helped me explain what my trust looked like.
This is how I visual trust:
1. I give my heart to God. He is literally holding me/my heart in his hands.
2. I lend my heart to my husband, friends, family through the hands of God. Even when my husband has my heart, God wraps his hands around my husbands hands as he holds my heart.
So Ultimately God has my heart. It belongs to him. I share it with the ones I love, but God still owns it. I go into this love/trust relationship with my eyes wide open.I also know that God is a fierce protector and that as I get his direction and listen to his leading, he knows when to caution me and give me the green light on giving my heart to just anyone. The other great thing is when someone messes with your heart, they will have to answer to God for that, and you can let God have that issue, so that your heart doesn't get hard and overwhelmed with the pain of it all.
However, we live in a hurt world and hurt people (all of us) hurt people) so, I need to keep in mind that;
1. I will get hurt, even if it's unintentional that's just the nature of relationships
2. I will hurt the ones I love, even when it's unintentional
I know it's important for me to go into relationships knowing that my feelings might get hurt at times and I will at times hurt others. I need to be aware that no one is perfect and so there will, at times be pain and mending that need to take place.
How can I be okay with pain, brokenness, disappointment etc...? I can be okay with all of this, because God has my heart. When I held me own heart, even with the armor on, I still got hurt, experienced pain and needed mending. The problem was I didn't have the skills or tools to mend my own heart, heal my own brokenness or protect my heart without also keeping love out.
When my heart needs mending-God is healer
When my heart needs safety- God is my comforter
When my heart is getting hard- God massages it and brings back the life
When my heart needs protection- God wraps his hands tighter around it
I can trust/love in a way now, that I have never known before. It's so liberating and amazing to me. I thank God that he was able to allow me to clearly see what trust can look like, when he's got my heart.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
What's up with self- sabotage?
Sabotage: A deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction.
Nothing is wrong. I'm happy. This week has gone well. I've been a little worried about midterms, but other than that, things are pretty good. The weather has been nice. I have exercised pretty consistently this week so far. Kids are feeling better.... but I'm eating like there is going to be a famine. I am ending the first phase of my weight-loss/ lifestyle change plan. For the past 5 weeks I have done pretty well. I have had those occasional times where I sampled something, that was off limits for me, or over-indulged at a restaurant, but for the most part, I have been feeling really good and making good choices. However, as I am in the last week of the first stretch, something is happening. I liken it to starting a race and making it to the home stretch, seeing the flag for the finish line and then stopping, bending down, untying my shoe laces, then retying the laces from both shoes together, and then trying to run again, only to find that I can barely run, because I have just shortened my stride and removed my ability to run freely. That is what sabotage looks like to me. That is the only thing, if I'm honest with myself that I really think is happening with me right now.
Most of my life, I have been trying to lose weight. I have not always been overweight in real life, but my mind, now that's a different story. In my own eyes, I have always seen myself as gigantically fat! I have never really seen myself as pretty either. I can look at myself now and like some things about me, but that wasn't always the case. Even starting this blog was a scary venture for me. It is very refreshing, but at times, I feel like I have put so much of "me" out there and it's a little scary. I'm still scared to be successful at weight loss. There I said it, that's my confession. My body is my best hiding place. It feels good to know you always have a place to go, a good excuse, a part of this grand world that you can control. It's scary to think of giving up my security, even though it's unhealthy.
I want to give it up. I don't know why the feeling of doing well and staying the course and seeing results is so scary. I feel like in the last two days I have tried to gain back the weight I've lost in the last five weeks. It's crazy to me, but at the same time I understand it. I feel like I am trying to refill the space that is empty now, the space that the few pounds I lost use to inhabit. They talk about muscle memory, I'm talking about fat memory.
I don't have just extra fat on my body, it's not that simple. I have emotional fat. I have stories to my rolls, they don't just exist because. They have history with me. We were intentional about our growth together, me and my rolls. This sounds crazy as I write it, but it's just how I look at things. That's the great thing about this blog, it's my thoughts, some stuff I usually wouldn't share because it sounds so off. However, I know someone reading this feels me on this, they know their rolls have stories too. Their eating was for a purpose. The pounds at the time were not in vain, but necessary for.... you fill in your own blank.
The struggle I'm having with all of this is...I'm ready to be done sabotaging my efforts, it hurts my heart that this battle is still so real. I want to finish this race and quit tying my laces together. This is me trying to keep it real. I'm struggling, but I'm calling the problem out, making it plead it's case. The jury is in. Sabotage is guilty of deliberately trying to take me off course. The good thing is, he's been caught "trying," and now I know to watch my back...
I get back on the path, separate my shoe laces, retie them and begin a slow jog to the finish line, but not before I grab the hands of some of my fellow runners, and together we make our way forward, careful to watch out for each others laces. For those of you struggling.... stay focused and watch my back, will ya.
Nothing is wrong. I'm happy. This week has gone well. I've been a little worried about midterms, but other than that, things are pretty good. The weather has been nice. I have exercised pretty consistently this week so far. Kids are feeling better.... but I'm eating like there is going to be a famine. I am ending the first phase of my weight-loss/ lifestyle change plan. For the past 5 weeks I have done pretty well. I have had those occasional times where I sampled something, that was off limits for me, or over-indulged at a restaurant, but for the most part, I have been feeling really good and making good choices. However, as I am in the last week of the first stretch, something is happening. I liken it to starting a race and making it to the home stretch, seeing the flag for the finish line and then stopping, bending down, untying my shoe laces, then retying the laces from both shoes together, and then trying to run again, only to find that I can barely run, because I have just shortened my stride and removed my ability to run freely. That is what sabotage looks like to me. That is the only thing, if I'm honest with myself that I really think is happening with me right now.
Most of my life, I have been trying to lose weight. I have not always been overweight in real life, but my mind, now that's a different story. In my own eyes, I have always seen myself as gigantically fat! I have never really seen myself as pretty either. I can look at myself now and like some things about me, but that wasn't always the case. Even starting this blog was a scary venture for me. It is very refreshing, but at times, I feel like I have put so much of "me" out there and it's a little scary. I'm still scared to be successful at weight loss. There I said it, that's my confession. My body is my best hiding place. It feels good to know you always have a place to go, a good excuse, a part of this grand world that you can control. It's scary to think of giving up my security, even though it's unhealthy.
I want to give it up. I don't know why the feeling of doing well and staying the course and seeing results is so scary. I feel like in the last two days I have tried to gain back the weight I've lost in the last five weeks. It's crazy to me, but at the same time I understand it. I feel like I am trying to refill the space that is empty now, the space that the few pounds I lost use to inhabit. They talk about muscle memory, I'm talking about fat memory.
I don't have just extra fat on my body, it's not that simple. I have emotional fat. I have stories to my rolls, they don't just exist because. They have history with me. We were intentional about our growth together, me and my rolls. This sounds crazy as I write it, but it's just how I look at things. That's the great thing about this blog, it's my thoughts, some stuff I usually wouldn't share because it sounds so off. However, I know someone reading this feels me on this, they know their rolls have stories too. Their eating was for a purpose. The pounds at the time were not in vain, but necessary for.... you fill in your own blank.
The struggle I'm having with all of this is...I'm ready to be done sabotaging my efforts, it hurts my heart that this battle is still so real. I want to finish this race and quit tying my laces together. This is me trying to keep it real. I'm struggling, but I'm calling the problem out, making it plead it's case. The jury is in. Sabotage is guilty of deliberately trying to take me off course. The good thing is, he's been caught "trying," and now I know to watch my back...
I get back on the path, separate my shoe laces, retie them and begin a slow jog to the finish line, but not before I grab the hands of some of my fellow runners, and together we make our way forward, careful to watch out for each others laces. For those of you struggling.... stay focused and watch my back, will ya.
Monday, October 18, 2010
My husband
I'm going to brag for a minute. Just a little. I have the very best husband in the world. I can say that because he's my husband and to me he's the best. I wouldn't have any other.( I know, you all hope not) My husband has had to put up with a lot. God knew I would need a great listener. He knew I would need a man with a lot of patience, grace, kindness. He knew I would need a man who could see past the protective armor I wore so many years of our marriage. My husband is gentle, he is a wonderful father and a loving husband. He has forgiven me so many times, when hurtful things flew out of my mouth at him. I have not always appreciated him. I used to think if he would just stop doing this or stop doing that, I would be happy. I was wrong. I was the one that needed to stop doing some things, namely finding all his faults. I used to think that I wasn't cut out for marriage, too much work, too much talking things over, too many disagreements, him not being perfect in every single way.
I will admit, it took me a long time to have my " aha moment", I still need to have them on a regular basis. My husband is not perfect, but he's perfect for me. He doesn't do everything the way I want him to, but in a way I respect that because he doesn't need another mother. He isn't Mr. Romance, but I'm not Mrs. Romance either. We are a simple couple. Once we figured out that we could just be who we were together and not compare our relationship to others, we began to find our groove. I don't need chocolate's on Valentines' day to know I am loved by my man,( but honey if you decided to go on and show your love that way, get me See's Candy, the peppermint patties and cashew brittle.) Anyways, as I was saying I don't really need those things...
I used to look for "proof of love", based on the world's ideas, commercials, movies, everyone else. When I looked at love that way then I never really felt loved enough, because that view of love was not true love. I became dissallusioned looking for the commercial expression of it. When I closed my eyes to the allusion, and opened them to the man I love. I began to see what "his expression of love," looked like. I realized that "he" was the gift to me, and with that realization I was able to then see all the ways he expressed his love for me on a daily basis. Gratitude fills my heart now instead of disappointment, my disappointment was there because of faulty, unrealistic expectations. It takes both of us to have a thriving marriage. It can't be all him or me. Learning that and taking ownership of that fact has really helped me mature as a wife.
I have a good man. I love you Malcolm. Forgive me for the times I have taken you for granted, or made you feel less than. You are the one for me. Thank you for ten hard- working, love- filled, worth-it years.
I will admit, it took me a long time to have my " aha moment", I still need to have them on a regular basis. My husband is not perfect, but he's perfect for me. He doesn't do everything the way I want him to, but in a way I respect that because he doesn't need another mother. He isn't Mr. Romance, but I'm not Mrs. Romance either. We are a simple couple. Once we figured out that we could just be who we were together and not compare our relationship to others, we began to find our groove. I don't need chocolate's on Valentines' day to know I am loved by my man,( but honey if you decided to go on and show your love that way, get me See's Candy, the peppermint patties and cashew brittle.) Anyways, as I was saying I don't really need those things...
I used to look for "proof of love", based on the world's ideas, commercials, movies, everyone else. When I looked at love that way then I never really felt loved enough, because that view of love was not true love. I became dissallusioned looking for the commercial expression of it. When I closed my eyes to the allusion, and opened them to the man I love. I began to see what "his expression of love," looked like. I realized that "he" was the gift to me, and with that realization I was able to then see all the ways he expressed his love for me on a daily basis. Gratitude fills my heart now instead of disappointment, my disappointment was there because of faulty, unrealistic expectations. It takes both of us to have a thriving marriage. It can't be all him or me. Learning that and taking ownership of that fact has really helped me mature as a wife.
I have a good man. I love you Malcolm. Forgive me for the times I have taken you for granted, or made you feel less than. You are the one for me. Thank you for ten hard- working, love- filled, worth-it years.
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